Cho: Harry’s first crush was our first crush…on a fictional, young sorceress. The book doesn’t have pictures. So we can’t tell her babe-factor. But Harry’s always had good taste. And in your male, adolescent angst (while reading the first books), you had no other object—other than maybe Professor McGonagall—to project your nascent sexual urges. So, it was Cho.

Luna Lovegood: I was super bummed when Harry didn’t wand her by series’ end. The wacky, starchild-ish daughter of a newspaper man, Luna trusts in Harry’s prophecy and has quirky, vintage fashion sense. But Lovegood was J.K. Rowling’s textual doppleganger, so playing up this love plot was an incestual no-no.

Hermione: Obviously, Emma Watson (oooo, just typing that name is wonderful) plays no small part in these affairs. Hermione—on the page, however—from the first Hogwarts Express trip to burying Doby is completely relegated to “bestie” category. She’s the girl you go to for advice, help on herbology (that Prof. Sprout is a wench!), and maybe once on NYE, out in Diagon Alley, things get a little tipsy, and you make out in a snow bank. BUT THAT’S IT!

Bellatrix Lestrange: Everyone has a brief “goth” phase, where instead of the good witch you find yourself Facebook stalking the witch who is the chosen chambermaid of Voldemort, does all his bidding, teases her wacked-out, poofy black 80s hair, and spends her night plotting the doom of Sirius Black.

Blonde girl Who Nearly Dies in fourth Book, and I’m Too Lazy to Go Look Up: By some stroke of stuck-on-band-bus-luck, I think I saw the fourth movie like five times. So my pick here might be skewed, but I find this girl (Fleur?) the sexiest of all the witches. If I’m at a fancy Yule Ball, and saw she’s dancing with Krum, and like I’m standing off to the side, and let’s say the Rhianna “Yellow Diamonds” equivalent in witchcraft/wizardy pop comes on the DJ’s speakers, I’m going to move dumb Krum off to the side, get up close, etc…she’ll show up to the Triwizard Tournament a few minutes late, that’s for sure!

Ginny: Never met a Weasley I had much use for (am I right!?) outside of Percy. And it’s sorta uncool Harry is wanding his best friend’s kid sister. But Ginny has that I’m-not-a-girl, not-yet-a-witch vibe tossed out overnight. Cute freckles, dangerous redhead, and probably not bad around the cauldron. But I still think Luna Lovegood would be a freak in bed.

– Dunstan McGill considered putting in a good word for Lily Potter but then decided things were just getting too weird up in here. For another perspective, see Katie Sisneros and Becky Lang’s more forthrightly titled “Pros and Cons of the Harry Potter Characters We’d Like to Fuck.”