Dairy Queen: She’s curvy and delicious, both inviting and strangely cold. She swears she’s 71, but she looks like a teenager. You card her.

Sonic: You drive in to pick her up, and before you even get out of the driver’s seat, things get messy in your lap.

Culver’s: He makes you wait, but she’s worth it. When he takes off his pants, you see that he’s cut—crinkle cut.

Dunkin Donuts: She’s big and tough and likes it rough. Throws you onto the bed, dumps a bucket of sprinkles on you, slathers you in frosting, then washes it off with a scalding pot of coffee. You hate yourself afterward, but you go back the next day.

White Castle: He’s small, but you quickly learn to appreciate quantity rather than quality.

Jamba Juice: Super fit and toned, but with a sexy sweet tooth for indulgences involving chocolate and bananas. You’re taken aback, though, when you realize that she has wheatgrass down there too.

Caribou Coffee: She’s sweet and friendly, and surprises you when she invites you out into the woods when things get hot. But then, in the middle of the action, she starts talking—in fact, yelling. “Am I better than Starbucks? Huh? Huh? Huh? Who’s your Venti now, huh? Say I’m your Venti. Say it. Say it!”

Domino’s: Impregnates you with a food baby, then pickets outside the clinic when you go to get an abortion.

Wendy’s: Things get hot and fresh. You drop trou. She says, “Where’s the beef?” Things go downhill from there.

Roy Rogers: He has performance issues, and you tell him it’s okay. You smoke cigarettes out the window and get totally vulnz. He admits that a couple of times, out there on the range, he did things with Trigger. You flick your cig away and say, “Check, please!”

– Jay Gabler, inspired by Becky Lang’s original post