McDonald’s: You make your way to McDonald’s bed and it’s covered in stuffed animals. You start to clear them off and McDonald’s whispers, “let them stay.” It turns on some circus-like music and then spreads soft-serve ice cream on its nipples. After turning down its red and yellow sheets, it insists on nothing but missionary.
Subway: You get to Subway’s bachelor pad and it has an odd smell about it that turns you off. Yeast, lettuce and the residue you detect when you put a dollar to your nose, maybe. It’s not bad enough to make you leave – after all Subway looks good on paper, seems like a catch. You light some incense and suggest wine. Oh, Subway is a teetotaler. That’s cool. It wants to watch reruns of Full House. After watching Michelle and Danny Tanner hug after a horseback riding incident, Subway admits it’s never done this before. It’s a virgin. Time to go home.
Jimmy John’s: So fast you’ll freak. And suspect it’s on meth.
Taco Bell: No fast food chain is more accommodating in bed than Taco Bell. Before meeting up, it texts you with a variety of one-off tricks that it will indeed do to you if you just say the word. It’s always up for a romp – in fact, it believes people should bang not three but four times a day. You could roll it over at 3 a.m. and, though it might be a little gassy, it will surely let you have your way.
Burger King: You ignore the velvet tiger painting over Burger King’s bed as you start to strip down. Burger King gets naked except for a large gold chain. You wake up the next morning sure you did some freaky stuff (fingers went where?) and wondering how the bedside ashtray got so full.
Combination Sbarro/KFC: How did you get here? At one point, you were at a drive-in movie, watching Pirates of the Caribbean with two polite young food chains, and suddenly you’re in a college dorm bunk bed, sandwiched between them. Sbarro is impossibly sweaty … almost watery. KFC’s skin is loose around its chin and biceps. You’re turned off in general. Sbarro falls asleep and you’re bored, so you let KFC get you off with its hand.
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