Black People: A Guide for Whitey

Black people do not love sleeping over at your house. The amount of loot American black people (especially girls) spend on hair products is way higher than the GDP of Kenya. We drop hundreds on relaxer, hairspray, Murray’s Oil, weaves, moisturizer and perms each month.  Cotton sheets destroy fresh hairdos, so if you expect us to crash at your crib, make sure you have satin pillowcases or a silk hair wrap.

Black people do not like water. We enjoy pool parties just like white people, but we never submerge our heads below water.  Pushing a permed black woman into water has a 78% chance of getting you shanked because you just ruined her pricey hair treatment (see sleepovers above). Also, for the same hair-related reasons, we will not be joining as you “sing in the rain,” have water balloon fights, or run through the sprinkler.

The N word. You cannot say it. Sorry. There are many things black people cannot say: “Hello, biological father” or “Of course we should save this money instead of buying a chain.” Those phrases are off-limits to us, so it’s only fair that the N word is off-limits to you.

Black people do not club like you do. “Dancing at the club” is white people code for “getting dangerously close to blacking out with the option of rubbing my genitals on another human of marginal sexual appeal.” Black people in contrast, can go to clubs, and dance, sober.  This is why they occasionally stand around stoically, dance better than you when the appropriate song is on, and get upset if you step on their white shoes.

Black people love Jesus. Even pimps, drug dealers and gangsters are down with JC because as a race, we’re praying for heaven because we’re living in hell (lower life expectancy, higher incarceration, high stress, et cetera). White people love hating on organized religion, but all those Nietzsche references about “opiates of the masses” will just have black people look at you sideways.

Black people use washcloths. When we look at your bathroom and see that there’s only one bar of soap for three people, we shudder. Do you like your mom’s poop on your face? I didn’t think so. Then why, white people, do you share the same bar of soap to wash your butt and your face? Every black house has a washcloth and Bible. (And both are full of shit. Zing!)

Black people really do like fried chicken and waffles. You know why? Because that shit’s fucking delicious. After we eat, we also get really tired, which we call “n#$%@#-itis” but since you are white you can only call it the “itis.” Actually, you can’t even mention it at all, because we’re all hyper aware that we’re fulfilling a stereotype, and goddam, can’t a brother just eat some fried chicken in peace?

P.C. police: Not all black people are the same. When in doubt, ask (except with the “N word”).

– Jon (name removed) has 28 years of experience as a black person