Ask a Cold War Movie Villain Who’s Currently Interrogating You

Ask a Cold War Movie Villain Who’s Currently Interrogating You

I’m getting married next year, and I love my future mother-in-law but she’s sticking her nose into everything and making wedding planning very difficult. Is there anything I can do?

Ah, yes, you have questions. However, I have questions too. Your willingness to provide answers will determine just how this little…conversation between us will go.

You must tell me exactly where the Americans have delivered missile shipments in this district. Then, you must sit down with your fiancée’s mother for an honest conversation about your frustrations. It will be hard, but losing your pinkie finger will be quite a bit harder.

When there’s only broth remaining in a soup bowl, is it permissible to lift the bowl and sip?

I must apologize for the crude methods of my colleagues. Maksim was raised by peasants, and he doesn’t know his manners, or his strength. Of course, it’s also a little impolite to sell weapons without the knowledge of the Security Council, is it not?

Let me introduce you to a little machine I’ve developed. I will twist this dial gradually at first, but I can assure you my wrist is perfectly limber and ready to go much, much further if necessary. I will also introduce you to a little…rule of thumb, shall we say? Follow your host’s lead.

Are you going to let me out of here, or are my friends back at the base going to have to make a mess of your little vacation house here?

Do not be fooled by our fine art and haute cuisine. This “vacation house,” as you call it, is very well-prepared for a visit from your associates, who will find a legion of my finest troops waiting to show them how very inhospitable we can be.

Let’s dispense with the pleasantries now, shall we? The hour grows late, and my patience wears thin. Out of respect, I was only going to use the low-power setting, but this uncooperative attitude has wearied me.


Scream all you like. I assure you no one will hear you. Doubtless your would-be mother-in-law will plan a beautiful funeral.

Jay Gabler