A Diagnostic Chat With Doctor Strange, WebMD

A Diagnostic Chat With Doctor Strange, WebMD


You are now connected to StephenVincentStrangeMD.

StephenVincentStrangeMD: I don’t have time for this.

jaygabler: I’m sorry, is there another doctor I should be connected to?

StephenVincentStrangeMD: No. I’m the best.

jaygabler: But you just said you don’t have time for this.

StephenVincentStrangeMD: I don’t. You’re wasting my time. I’m the last, best hope you’ve got.

jaygabler: Okay. So…should I just tell you my symptoms?

StephenVincentStrangeMD: Show me.

jaygabler: Well, they aren’t really visible.

StephenVincentStrangeMD: Everything is visible. You just need the eyes to see. I learned that the hard way.

jaygabler: How?

StephenVincentStrangeMD: This isn’t about me. I’m a doctor, goddamnit!

jaygabler: Okay. So I guess I’ve just been feeling…I don’t know, a little down? Like I don’t really fit in.

StephenVincentStrangeMD: None of us fit in. We are multidimensional entities, always poised between one plane of reality and the next.

jaygabler: Right. I get that.

StephenVincentStrangeMD: You get nothing.

jaygabler: Are you trying to help me?

StephenVincentStrangeMD: Of course I am. I took the Hippocratic Oath, and I take it extremely seriously.

jaygabler: I’m just going to keep going. I guess these feelings started when I saw your new movie.

StephenVincentStrangeMD: An imperfect telling of a perfect truth.

jaygabler: Okay. The thing is, I just didn’t think it was that great.

StephenVincentStrangeMD: I’m sorry that the story of my recovery from the verge of death to become the most enlightened and powerful human being who has ever lived was boring for you. Maybe you should have gone to Trolls instead.

jaygabler: That seems like a pointed suggestion.

StephenVincentStrangeMD: What are you truly here for? Are you a zealot?

jaygabler: No! I’m a secular humanist!

StephenVincentStrangeMD: Do I need to come stab you with an imaginary sword? I will come! I need only circle my fingers and imagine your location in every detail. Can we Facetime?

jaygabler: No! Listen, don’t you find it awkward that you were this white guy who traveled to Nepal and learned all their spiritual secrets, then went on to star in a movie about how you’re the most kickass practitioner of those ancient ways?

StephenVincentStrangeMD: I’m living my truth.

jaygabler: Then you still need to be the world’s best surgeon — so you can’t even let your colleague operate on you without using your new powers to pop out of your body and tell her what to do?

StephenVincentStrangeMD: Look, do you want the Sanctums to fall? Should I just have allowed our dimension to dissolve into all the others? Would you prefer that space and time were meaningless, all under the cruel eye of Dormammu?

jaygabler: As long as you waited ’til happy hour to let it happen.

StephenVincentStrangeMD: You’ll never achieve enlightenment through chemical abuse.

jaygabler: If we’re going to talk about personal responsibility here, who’s the one who had a head-on collision because of distracted driving? Remember in Defending Your Life, when Albert Brooks went to heaven because he was changing the CD in his car? Your movie is basically the same thing.

StephenVincentStrangeMD: I’ll concede that my film has some amusing moments. My cape does have some entertaining antics.

jaygabler: Meh. Pixar could have done it better.

StephenVincentStrangeMD: Begone! I cannot help you. You need only free your mind, and the rest will follow.

jaygabler: Be colorblind, don’t be so shallow…like you?

StephenVincentStrangeMD has dematerialized. Please stay online for a brief survey about your experience.