Thanks

Best used when seething with anger. Like when you wish you could punch your stupid cubemate in the face for being the loudest food-chewer ever. Signing emails with a terse, unpunctuated “Thanks” says, “I hate you, and I don’t care if you know it.”

Thanks!

Best used when genuinely thankful. Like when your office BFF totally bails you out after that awkward comment you made in yesterday’s staff meeting about your mom — you know, the one you’re still cringing about today. Thanks exclamation point says, “You are my girl for life. I’m so glad we’re in this together. I could totally see us getting adjacent burial plots one day.”

Best

Best used when safety is your number one concern. Like wearing a seatbelt or a condom, this is the signoff you’ll never regret using. Plus, everyone knows it’s basically code for, “I want to end this message in the most non-creepy, non-offensive, nice, but-not-too-nice way so I can go home and watch Scandal in elastic-waist pants.”

Cheers!

Best used when British. If you’re a bloke who was born on the island of Great Britain, by all means, Cheers away. It’s absolutely delightful and exactly how I imagine Colin Firth signs all of his e-mails — work-related or otherwise.

Warmly

Best used never. This is straight-up sexual harassment. “Warmly” is just gross, and way too intimate for work. Believe it or not, it would be less pervy to sign your email with three eggplant emojis.

Regards

Best used when you’re a fictional villainess. “Regards” is just plain icey. It’s how the Narnia Snow Witch would sign an email right after tricking you into eating Turkish Delight, and turning all of your woodland creature friends into stone.

Brgds

Best used if a bro, brosef, or brah. If your collar is still popped from last weekend’s Phi-Kappa-whatever party, this one’s for you. The mashup of consonants is business consultant-speak for “Best Regards,” but clearly it really means “I’m a tool.”

– Emily Cain