The Narration to Every Nature Special Ever

The Narration to Every Nature Special Ever

A remote place! Not just a remote place, the most remote of places! Few humans ever dare to venture here, because probably they would die—unless they were in a helicopter like us! Let’s descend to take a look.

It would seem that no life could possibly thrive in this very extremely remote place, and yet…what’s this? Why, it’s a familiar zoo animal! What are you doing here, friend? Ah, I see, you’re scavenging for a very disgusting but highly nutritious insect.

This familiar zoo animal’s intentness on finding the gross and also scarce insects makes it vulnerable to predation by this variety of animal that’s significantly less cute but is frequently seen screenprinted on t-shirts in rural gas stations. This mundane, Republican predator stealthily approaches, its eye on an awkward tween version of the zoo animal. It patiently waits for its chance and then…it strikes!

There’s a brief, exciting chase, accompanied by thrilling music! Ultimately, though, the horn section is disappointed, as the predator trips or something and the pimply zoo animal escapes. There’s a life lesson you won’t have to explain to the kid you’re watching with just quite yet.

Did I mention it’s springtime? You can tell, because these flowers are blooming in high speed thanks to our cameraman who sat there for six weeks playing Flappy Bird. Ah, the glory of nature! Let’s have some quick close-ups of whatever those bugs are flying around the flowers. If there are pitcher plants present, one of these greedy bugs will foolishly drown.

Did I mention it’s springtime? Ah, yes, I did. Of course, we all know what springtime means—wink, wink, nudge, nudge! We scientists-slash-nature-special-narrators call this “the rut.” What’s this? A tussle? Yes, that’s the way of nature. These two males are competing for the affections of this female—and by “affections,” I mean, “a relationship indistinguishable from rape.” Let’s watch closely while that happens.

While the victorious male enjoys an e-cig, we’ll get back to that hungry predator. Now desperately hungry, it’s not fucking around any more. It’s given up on the surprisingly nimble tween, and instead it’s going for a sure bet: the nerd of the herd, strolling around away from its brothers and sisters while it holds imaginary conversations with the warrior princess it imagines itself to be mystically tied to. All too easy a target for the predator, who tears its throat out and sets the intestines aside for these scavengers.

So, while the jock animals all have a good laugh, we pan up to the sky, where birds migrate and clouds roll. As the moon rises, our music surges and we retreat from this remote, beautiful, strange land that’s at once totally unique and also basically the same as every other remote, beautiful, strange land we’ve visited in this series.

Jay Gabler