In which Katie drinks every time she feels confused by how unconfused she is by her sexual feelings toward Neil Degrasse Tyson, and occasionally quotes her friends.

Opening act featuring President Barack Obama, who’s all “DANGIT GO TO SPACE, GUYS. WE GOTTA BRING BACK SPACE STUFF.”

“Build on evidence that passes the test, reject what fails.” NDT flips a big ol’ middle finger to Intelligent Design before minute two.

Donavon: “Brannon Braga! He’s what made Star Trek: Voyager suck more than Deep Space 9!”

Daaaaaamn, if watching Sagan’s Cosmos was enhanced by smoking weed, then getting high and watching NDT’s will FUCKING SCARE YOUR BRAIN RIGHT OUT OF ITS BRAIN BUCKET.

I think this only serves to reaffirm what I’ve argued since childhood: space is absolutely terrifying.

I’m calling bullshit. Any spaceship hurtling through Saturn’s rings would be pulverized in seconds. I JUST CAN’T TAKE THIS SHOW SERIOUSLY ANYMORE.

If there was a planet in space for every Pizza Roll I’ve ever had in my life, then daaaaaaaaaaang that’s a lot of planets.

I wonder how many bathrooms are on NDT’s crazy ass spaceship that looks like a Google Maps pin.

Cosmos just makes me want to find anybody on planet Earth who thinks they’re special, smack them in the face, and yell “PERSPECTIVE, BITCH!” Kanye West? “PERSPECTIVE, BITCH!” Ted Cruz? “PERSPECTIVE, BITCH!” Pope Benedict XVI? … nah, he’s chill.

OH MY GOD BUT WHAT IF YOU WERE DRUNK IN SPACE.

Galileo Galilei was the original Bad Luck Brian.

…but Giordano Bruno was like Bad Luck Brian’s dad.

Look, I like cartoons and shit, but can we get back to the outer space area? I get enough historical context every day of my life while I’m feeding bits of my soul piece by piece to my dissertation on 17th century England.

NDT’s spaceship looks like God sneezed out a lil’ shiny space booger.

Dang, NDT! If your desk calendar is that big, how big is your desk?!

NEIL GET OUT OF THAT FOREST ASTEROIDS ARE COMIN’ FOR YOUR ASS DUDE.

Handsome Bro Walking Through a Big Forest with a Black Suit on: the Katie Sisneros’s Dream Man Story.

If the Cosmic Calendar analogy doesn’t make you want to literally shit your pants with a science-punch of perspective to your mind-face, pummeling your brain-dumbs with a space-hammer of truth-pain, then you’re just a dummy.

Uh oh. UH OH. Neil is telling the story about how he met Carl Sagan. UH OH. MAYDAY. MAYDAY, GUYS. DRUNK KATIE IS GONNA CRY. OH SHIT IT’S HAPPENING OH GOD QUICK LICK MY FACE I THINK MY TEARS ARE WHISKEY.

tl;dr: in the beginning, the universe decided to start being a thing.

–Katie Sisneros