Santa

Pros:
Has magic powers—if you know what we mean.
Likes going down.
He disappears by morning, but he always leaves a present.

Cons:
Married.
Sleep apnea causes loud snoring.
Many impersonators, all of whom claim to be “the real” Santa.

Rudolph

Pros:
You don’t need a red lightbulb to set that erotic mood.
Won’t play reindeer games with your heart.
Knows a good dentist who works for free.

Cons:
Nose comes on when he does.
Has a sexist asshole dad.
Wants you to help pay for his expensive psychotherapy.

Frosty

Pros:
Never overstays his welcome.
Good about remembering birthdays.
He’s always precisely as big as you want him to be.

Cons:
Wets the bed.
Smokes.
Leaves you with painful frostbite in the worst places.

The Grinch

Pros:
Has a cute dog.
Agile fingers.
Great if you’re into furries.

Cons:
Steals all your food.
Constantly rhymes, even in bed.
Creepily obsessed with Emma Stone.

The Three Wise Men

Pros:
Rich.
Powerful.
Well-traveled.

Cons:
Overpowering scent of frankincense.
Use politically incorrect term “Orient.”
Always want you to join them in a foursome.

Bing Crosby

Pros:
Sharp dresser.
Gorgeous blue eyes.
Can do to you what he does to the mic.

Cons:
Always wants you to dress like an Andrews Sister.
Into scat play.
Puts out hundreds of releases (in bed), but they’re all the same (in bed).

The Ghost of Christmas Present

Pros:
Always comes to your place, and brings lots of food.
Good sense of humor.
Great if you’re into bears.

Cons:
Always gives you guilt trips.
Has starving children living under his robe.
His favorite sext is, “Come—know me better, man!”

– Jay Gabler