Will the cleaning staff notice if I move…this? How about…this?

Is this what it would feel like to be rich and recently divorced?

Should I try sleeping in that other bed, just for the hell of it?

Are the cleaning staff making guesses as to how much I’ll tip when I finally check out? Are they right?

Should I check in on Foursquare every day? For that matter, should I check in on Foursquare anywhere, ever?

Will I develop Stockholm Syndrome with this bad art on the walls?

Why does my skin dry so much magically faster here than in my bathroom at home?

What if I just hid all the complimentary toiletries in my suitcase every day, like my parents used to do so we could get a fresh round of freebies? Would the cleaning staff be pissed, or would they really not give a shit?

If I don’t go out tonight and just stay in the hotel room, will I start to feel like David Bowman at the end of 2001?

What if I just picked up the phone and ordered room service right…now?! Okay, how about right…now?!

Will I be pissed off when I go back to my apartment where I have no control over the heat whatsoever, let alone a digital thermostat that allows me to set it to precisely the degree I want?

How many free toothpaste packets can I request before the front desk staff get pissed? Also, would it be a dick move to ask for a new check-in cookie every day?

Can they tell I’m making both cups of coffee with the in-room coffeemaker every day just for myself, just because I can?

Are the cleaning staff judging me for staying in a hotel for ten days and obviously neither getting drunk nor having sex?

When I know every night that the bed isn’t going to be long enough for  me, why don’t I ever just pull the covers out at the bottom?

Are homeless people looking up at my window and thinking, “That asshole has an extra queen-size bed every goddamn night“?

Will I ever come back here nostalgically in years to come, just to see how ol’ room 818 is doing?

– Jay Gabler