hey people who treat their pets like children your dog would eat your dead body and your cat would watch

— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) September 20, 2013

Post-grad lesson: being hungover in class > being hungover at work.

— Becky Schultz (@rebeccaschultz) September 20, 2013

“There shouldn’t be gun laws because criminals will find a way to get guns anyway.” Cool, gonna apply that logic to child pornography next.

— Emily Toffelmire (@klickitatstreet) September 17, 2013

I hope I don’t alienate ppl by saying this but WHY THE FUCK IS “WIFE” IN YOUR TWITTER BIO, ANYONE?!?!????

— Emily Gould (@EmilyGould) September 17, 2013

What’s better for you: a burrito or a Big Mac? I say both

— Sarah Harper (@s424h) September 17, 2013

A guy just called me asking for Paul. I told him he had the wrong number. He asked, “…so, do you know how to contact Paul?”

— David McCrindle (@davidmccrindle) September 15, 2013

What do you get the bagel who has everything?

— matt (@biorhythmist) September 13, 2013

has anyone ever gotten one of those digital picture frames and just let it go to town ken burnsin’ on some dickpics all day

— kimmy (@aRealLiveGhost) September 12, 2013

I’m doing a webinar today, so I’m fulfilling some 90’s tech guy’s dream of the future.

— otte, timothy (@mrtimothyotte) September 11, 2013

advertisers want to know what the teen girls are listening to *types MAC DEMARCO in 500 pt. font into email*

— Hazel Cills (@hazelcills) September 10, 2013

Damn girl are you a Halloween megastore cause you had a grand opening last weekend.

— rachel lichtman (@DJRotaryRachel) September 10, 2013

– Compiled by @JayGabler