Hot Tips for Making Jesus Sound Cool to Today’s Youth

Hot Tips for Making Jesus Sound Cool to Today’s Youth


Give Jesus an outline tattoo of Nazareth on his forearm.

Tell kids that the Jesus lets them experience the holy spirt in “retina display.”

Have Jesus wear an “I <3 Jesus” shirt ironically.

Give Jesus a guest song on Yo Gabba Gabba!

Put Jesus on a skateboard.

Have him participate in Red Bull’s Crashed Ice.

Have him compete on the X-Factor to join a power band of heavenly pop stars.

Have him get in a “diva spat” with Nicki Minaj.

Give him his own line of Orbit gum called “Water & Wine.”

Get Anonymous to hack his main enemy Pontius Pilate saying that Pilate isn’t cool with “the internet.”

Have him do the V.O. on the next Tarantino movie.

Put his face on a limited-edition box of “all marshmallow” cereal.

Have him wear suspenders and play the tambourine.

Have Jesus release his own line of low-calorie alcoholic drinks.

Create a buddy film where he and Jim from The Office create their own organic line of granola bars and get in trouble somehow.

Have Jesus say choice words about Guy Fieri on LIVE With Kelly & Michael.

Have Jesus become a weekend writer at Gawker only to quit and start his own blogger network that gets more hits.

Have him produce a record with Bon Iver and Sufjan Stevens that is a musical representation of the gospel.

Send Jesus on a quest to resurrect Freaks and Geeks, exclusively on Netflix.

Becky Lang, Marcus Michalik, Jay Boller, Jason Zabel