Lessons I Learned in Christian Grade School

Lessons I Learned in Christian Grade School

All Dogs Go to Heaven

Dogs don’t have souls. Don’t let those wagging tails and the limitless, unconditional affection fool you. Dogs are for hunting, and for pictures in calendars you give to your mom for Christmas.

Girls in eighth grade cannot get pregnant—their bodies do not allow it. In response to your questions about Megan and her sudden affinity for sweat pants and abrupt departure from school, she changed her style and moved to South Dakota. I don’t care if you think you saw her at the mall this weekend looking in a family way, she was probably shoplifting a basketball while on vacation from Sioux Falls. No more questions—girls don’t develop functional vaginas until the summer before high school.

The world is 6,000 years old. What’s that you say? There are fossils dating back hundreds of millions of years? Well, you see, He created those fossils to already be hundreds of millions of years old, and stuck them in the ground to test the righteous and sate the heretics’ scientific fantasies, thus ensuring their reservation in hell.

Judas is not in heaven, and even suggesting that he might be is an easy way to get sent to the principal’s office.

Ladies, God doesn’t want you to worry your pretty little heads about running for political office, becoming an ordained minister, or managing a major corporation. So, he genetically programmed you to be incapable of doing those things, out of kindness. You can repay that kindness by settling into a nice reception job at your local pro-life nonprofit organization.

If you have a baby, and that baby dies before your pastor splashes water in its face, it will go to hell. Now, we’re not talking about the part of hell where Hitler and Jeff Dahmer hang out, it’s more of a big gymnasium where you get occasional owies. But it’s still hell, so splash your damn babies.

Listening to secular music will turn you into an alcoholic prostitute before your sweet 16. Don’t worry, there are plenty of super hip Jesus jamz from CREED and P.O.D. to pump you up. What about classical music and other wordless melodies? Same deal—only Christ-minded composers are safe. Ever heard of the Rite of Spring? Stay far away from that one.

People who die of cancer are awarded a cloud perch in Jesus’s VIP room up north, where they can gaze at their relatives and send love beams down to earth. People who die of clinical depression get to hang out in hades.

– Natalie Berkley is convinced that Judas is in heaven.