Comment: “Wake up, sleepy! You look tired today! You feeling alright?”

Response in Words: “Oh, I’m fine…just need some coffee.” (weak laugh)

Response in Thoughts: Is that so. What specifically about my appearance appears “tired”? Is it my listless expression or simply the fact that I’m not wearing eye makeup today? I’d love to know so I can replicate this “tired” look on a regular basis. But the real question is, why would I be tired at 2 PM on a Monday?! I mean, scanning these faxes is absolutely riveting, and the fluorescent office light is as invigorating as ever!

Comment: “It took you 40 minutes to get from Edina to Calhoun?! Why didn’t you just take France?! Do you always get on 100? You should try biking. It saves you a lot of traffic time.”

Response in Words: “Yeah, I’m not sure. I’ll have to try that sometime.”

Response in Thoughts: As a matter of fact, every day I get in my car with the sincere intention of getting lost, caught in traffic, and/or arriving late. It’s a charmed idiot’s life I live! Why don’t I bike from Minneapolis to my office in Burnsville? I guess the thought of waking up at 6 AM to put sweatpants over my pantyhose and cycle icy paths in the frigid cold really doesn’t turn me on. Also, I just plain hate the environment.

Comment: “Did you know that eating too much spinach causes iron overconsumption? You should be careful.”

Response in Words: “Yeah, I’ve read that somewhere…”

Response in Thoughts: Thanks for the PSA. If there’s one crisis happening in America, it’s “overconsumption” of spinach. Excuse me while I spit a half-chewed mouthful of salad back onto my plate and shove it onto the floor. Consider yourself a lifesaver.

Comment: “You paid how much for those boots?! I just can’t spend money like that on clothes.”

Response in Words: “Yeah, I know, it was a splurge. But, I do really like them.”

Response in Thoughts: Thanks. If there’s one thing I enjoy, it’s someone asking where I bought something and how much it cost, only to recoil and scold me for “frivolous” spending. How much is your gym membership? Where do you buy groceries? Tell me so we can compare prices and confirm what an overpaying sucker I am! Hold on a sec while I blow my nose with a $20 bill.

Comment: “Guess what [adorable/ thoughtful thing] my [boyfriend, grandson, etc.] did this weekend? Hold on, I have pictures on my phone!”

Response in Words: “That is so sweet. Wow. How cute.”

Response in Thoughts: AAAAAAAAUUUURRRRRRGGGGHHHH

– Katya Karaz

Photo by Angela Stefanski (Creative Commons)