The information contained in this message (inclusive of attachments) is attorney privileged and confidential information intended only for the use of the individual/s and/or entity named above. If the reader of the message is not the intended recipient or an authorized representative of the intended recipient, we do not intend to waive and do not waive any privileges or the confidentiality of the message/s and attachment/s, and you are hereby notified that any dissemination of this communication is strictly prohibited.

If you are a parent of the sender, you are hereby notified that forwarding this message to several hundred of your friends, even if out of filial pride—in fact, especially if out of filial pride—is strictly prohibited.

If this message was inadvertently CCed rather than BCCed to a large number of recipients and some of those recipients have started replying to all, you are strictly prohibited from sending a message to all recipients reading, “PLEASE take me off this list!!!!!!!!” That’s not how e-mail works, dumbass.

If you were formerly in a romantic relationship with the sender and you are no longer in said relationship, as determined by the sender, you must immediately delete this message.

If this message requires no further response, you are strictly prohibited from sending an inane response unnecessarily verifying that you received this message and also demonstrating that you have too much time on your hands.

If you respond to this message in a manner that is somehow in error, you are strongly encouraged to try to rescind your response, generating one of those “The sender would like to withdraw the previous message” messages that gives everyone a good laugh because that’s not how e-mail works, dumbass.

If this message was sent between 2:00 and 4:00 AM, the sender was drunk and hereby waives any responsibility for the message contents.

Please consider the environment before printing this e-mail! Aso, please forgive the sender for that condescending sentence her company forces her to append to all her e-mails as part of their utter farce of an environmental responsibility campaign!

If you really believe that any of this legalese will have any effect whatsoever or will bear any weight in court if the sender tries to sue you for violating the demands made in a generic footer appended to every e-mail the sender sends, you are hereby informed that you’re crazy because that’s not how e-mail works, dumbass.

– Jay Gabler