The Tangential Guide to Entertaining: Light vs. Heavy Appetizers

The Tangential Guide to Entertaining: Light vs. Heavy Appetizers


Invitations often refer to “light” or “heavy” appetizers. But what, exactly, does that mean? There’s no hard-and-fast rule, but here are a few examples to give you an idea of what people might expect if you promise “light” or “heavy” hors d’oeuvres.

Light Appetizer: A few handfuls of popcorn consumed on the couch before a “movie watching” party (for two, or more) turns into a sex party.

Heavy Appetizer: The frozen pizza you put in the oven later and scarf down in taco shape because you’ve already had sex, so who cares how gross you look.

Light Appetizer: Bruschetta at a wedding reception.

Heavy Appetizer: Teriyaki chicken at a wedding reception after the best man broke his neck in a church-aisle stunt while trying to replicate a wedding procession he saw on YouTube.

Light Appetizer: Biscuits served alongside tea with your grandmother while you chat about family news.

Heavy Appetizer: Butter-soaked crumpets served alongside tea with your grandmother while she reveals to you that she’s always felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body, and she intends to spend your inheritance on a sex-change operation.

Light Appetizer: A fruit and cheese plate set out before a sales meeting.

Heavy Appetizer: “PUT THAT COFFEE DOWN. Coffee’s for closers only. You think I’m fucking with you?”

Light Appetizer: Cookies and juice in the parish center after Mass.

Heavy Appetizer: Glazed doughnuts in the community center after a secular humanist meeting where the topic of discussion was preparing for death in a world where there is no God.

Jay Gabler


Photo by Matthew McVickar (Creative Commons)