Friends who posted on my wall: 209

Friends who sent messages: 3

Friends who did nothing: 1,631

People who posted YouTube birthday videos made for other Jays: 2

People who left birthday messages despite the fact that I have absolutely no idea who they are: 10

People who left birthday messages despite the fact that we’ve never met in real life: 5

Cousins who left messages who up until a few months ago I didn’t even know were my cousins, but luckily we never hooked up: 1

People who simply said, “Happy birthday!” or “Happy birthday, Jay!”: 90

People who wished me “happy barfday”: 1

People who wished me “hoppy birfday”: 1

People who mentioned my recent Fringe Festival show: 14

People who posted photos of me: 3

People who posted photos of a little girl dressed as a pink Darth Vader: 1

People who accidentally posted twice: 1

People who accidentally posted thrice: 2

People who used multiple exclamation points: 35

People who used no punctuation whatsoever: 10

People who repeated vowels (haaaaaapy birthdaaaaaaaay): 2

People who added multiple “happy”s: 6

People who wished me happy birthday in other languages: 3

“Happy day of birth!”: 1

“hbd”: 3

“hbty”: 1

“hbjg”: 1

“hfbj”: 1

“Happy Jay Day!”: 1

“Happy birthjay!”: 1

“hapapab itb ierhtryda”: 1

Posts with no content relating to my birthday: 4

Posts by ex-girlfriends: 1

Posts by ex-girlfriends’ sisters: 1

Posts by ex-girlfriends’ mothers: 1

People saying they love me: 2

People saying they love me who are my mom: 1

People saying they love me who are local hip-hop artists whose bandmates are dating my blogmates: 1

People who shared hopes that it would be a good day/year: 22

People who commanded me to have a good time: 14

People who used emoticons: 12

People who asked me about an assignment for work while also wishing me happy birthday: 1

Mentions of God: 1

People to whose birthday greetings I responded with a comment about their recent breast reduction surgery as documented on Tumblr: 1

People whose profile pictures featured leis, allowing me to respond by saying, “It was my birthday, but you were the one who got lei’d!”: 1

People who suggested we hang out: 2

People who wrote, simply, “Enjoy the tail end of it”: 1

People who mentioned the fact that last year I graded my birthday Facebook posts: 1

People pointing out that I share the same birthday as Uncle Dave: 1

People pointing out that I share the same birthday as Debi Mazar: 1

– Jay Gabler