“Drill, baby, drill!”

“You can maintain my facilities any time!”

“I think you’ve got a kink in your hose.”

“Oh, let me get this Nair out of your way. I use it on my hoo-hah. Just FYI.”

“I like to caulk my own tub. Wanna see?”

“Is that a universal remote in your hand, or is that your penis?”

“Here, let me clean out this fridge. I’ve been using these uncooked hot dogs…well, you know, out of loneliness.”

“In our past lives, I think you were a vacuum and I was a broom. In this life, those roles have reversed.”

“I was just about to eat fourthmeal. How do you like your shrimp cooked? I can pop champagne with my vajeen.”

“My cat’s staring at you. That mean she wants to see us have sex.”

“When you’re done fixing that leaky faucet, you can fuck me if you want.”

– Jay Boller, Jay Gabler, Becky Lang, Dunstan McGill, and Jason Zabel