Reveal the sooth of the universe using ultra-powerful social media magic! This guide demonstrates a method to turn a random string of letters and numbers into information that can predict your future. Do not take it’s direction lightly; using this method can bring great fortune, but will surely earn you a place in Hell. So … shall we begin?

Step 1: Open a blank document, take your headphones off and spin your chair three times while repeating “MASH! MASH! MASH!” (the magic words)
Step 2: Cross you hands across the keyboard and type 20 random numerical digits.
Step 3: On a new line, close your eyes and bang your index finger down until you have 20 lowercase letters.
Step 4: Turn caps lock on and repeat step three with the index finger of your other hand.

Now the mystical values are set! Under each question below, follow the instructions to assemble your unique combination and put it after the twitpic address (http://twitpic.com/

Who will you marry?
1st digit, 1st line + 15th letter, 2nd line + 8th letter, 2nd line + 3rd letter, 3rd line
You will marry the user who posted the picture.
If there’s another person in the photo, you will eventually divorce the user to run away with him/her.

How many kids will you have?
14th letter, 2nd line + 3rd letter, 3rd line + 8th letter, 2nd line + 1st digit, 1st line + 4th digit, 1st line
Take the # of views the picture has, subtract 25 and halve.
This is the number of kids you and your spouse will have.
Negative number? You will adopt 1/3 that many from another country.

What job will you have?
10th letter, 2nd line + 20th digit, 1st line + 17th letter, 3rd line + 16th digit, 1st line
Type the name of the user and “job” into Google.
The first LinkedIn profile listed will be your job.

How much money will you make?
5th digit, 1st line + 12th letter, 2nd line + 3rd line + 19th letter, 3rd line + 14th digit, 1st line
Take the # of followers the poster has, divide by 20 and multiply by $10,000.
This is your yearly salary.

Where will you live?
3rd digit, 1st line + 9th letter, 2nd line
You will live in the city of the poster.
No city listed? You’ll live in St. Cloud.

What kind of tattoo will you get?
8th letter, 2nd line + 7th letter, 2nd line + 9th digit, 1st line
If the picture is of a crappy drawing/artwork, you will get this done as a tramp stamp.
If the picture is not of a crappy drawing/artwork, you will get the user’s profile description tattooed in gothic script down your forearm.

When will you die?
6th letter, 3rd line + 13th letter, 3rd line + 4th digit, 1st line + 8th letter, 2nd line + 2nd digit, 1st line
Take the # of days ago and add to the current date.
Take the # of other photos the twitpic user has, multiply by two and add to years.
This is day you will day.

How will you die? (WARNING: not for the faint of heart)
6th letter, 2nd line + 6th digit, 1st line + 6th letter, 3rd line
Something in this picture will be directly cause of your death.
If the poster is a foreigner (just guess) you will die in a terrorist attack.

–Tom Johnson is boring and sucks, also runs Crab and Egret.