Wonders of the Free Market
1. Magic Socks
According to a promotional Magic Socks blog (it’s real), this product line offers:
“A magical collection of socks that will revolutionize New Yorkers’ perceptions and expectations about socks…Gone are the days when socks are merely about keeping your feet warm and clean.”
Finding out that seemingly basic commodities (like socks) can actually serve multiple (and magical!) purposes always tickles my mass-consuming fancy. But do the healing powers apply beyond New York borders? Will the magic fade with multiple washes?
The first time I saw a Spray the Fat Away billboard ad I assumed it was satire. I had just whiled away an hour on YouTube watching news clips from The Onion, so my mind was still in parody mode. Unfortunately, Spray the Fat Away is all too real. The ad design is minimal, with “Spray the Fat Away!” in neon block letters above a toll free phone number. No need for visual aid here, the product name is enticing enough.
I imagine clients latching fire hydrant-type hoses to their love handles and showering the streets with fat, beaming with satisfaction and shrinking like deflating party balloons. In reality, this product is a homeopathic hormone spray misted under the tongue three times a day. Supplemented with a 500 calorie diet, you can lose a pound of fat every day!
Just days before I heard about this company, I was perusing the emerging post-apocalyptic industry online with a coworker. We found plenty alarmist, hyper-Biblical, typo-ridden “literature,” often in the form of “teaser” paragraphs. You guessed it: the rest of these “survival secrets” were available for purchase. This particular site sells a booklet outlining “37 critical food items” and features a photo of a riot with the caption “Can you really fight through a crowd to get your kids food—or will you get beat? If you know which food items to buy in advance you’ll never have to find out.”
It’s survival assurance—for the incredibly discounted price of $49.95! On the website the operation’s mastermind states, “I can charge a lot more, but I’d just assume keep the price low and help as many of my fellow patriots as possible.” If you’re still not sold, knowledge of these 37 crucial items will also help you “Attract like-minded Americans to rebuild our nation based on the constitution—without all the liberal crap.” Sounds like a win-win.
– Katya Karaz