The Grizzled Old Cowboy. Paradigm: Jack Palance. Has seen more than you could ever imagine, and knows there’s still gold up in them thar hills. He’ll never be able to dig it up himself because his hip’s gone too janky to ride, but he can still do more one-armed pushups than a college wrestler.
The Literary Old Cowboy. Paradigm: Sam Shepherd. Sold the ranch, bought a bungalow in Iowa City. Publishes short fiction in The New Yorker, but still drinks Lone Star instead of PBR.
The Heroic Old Cowboy. Paradigm: John Wayne. Still lives on the range with his bride and his trusty old ranch hands. Winters in Norway, so he can enjoy three solid months of permanent sunset.
The Horny Old Cowboy. Paradigm: Vince Vaughn. It’s been well on 40 years now since he first sexed his bride through a hole in the bridal sack her mother sewed her into, and he still likes to do…you know. The shush. The bad.
The Pithy Old Cowboy. Paradigm: Hickey from the original Parent Trap. “Turrble. Just turrble.”
The Delirious Old Cowboy. Paradigm: Roy Rogers. Sings “Happy Trails” 24/7. Thinks he’s still out on the mesa, not in an adult daycare facility in Indianola, Mississippi.
The Poignant Old Cowboy. Paradigm: Heath Ledger. He don’t need nothing in this world, except that old flannel shirt he still keeps in the closet.
The Old Singer-Songwriter Cowboy. Paradigm: Kris Kristofferson. Rick Rubin produced his new album.
The Old Midnight Cowboy. Paradigm: Jon Voight. Shut up about his daughter and put that cash on the barrelhead.
The Old Cowboy In Denial. Paradigm: The Marlboro Man. Dies at age 52, no embalming necessary.
The Discarded Old Cowboy. Paradigm: Woody from Toy Story. “There’s a snake in my boot! [sob]”
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