Dude Characteristics That I Fetishize

Dude Characteristics That I Fetishize

A Signature Accessory. Historically, this has included aviator goggles, ascots, cufflinks, all manner of hats, and even obnoxious “Don’t Mess With Texas”-style belt buckles. But it could also be silly underpants, a monacle, or even a friendly little monkey with his own tiny beret.  Just a touch of dandy in a man makes my eyebrows a-flutter.

A Big Face. Evolutionary psychology has my back on this one: the face is where we gauge aggression, interest, and whether he is an Insane Clown Posse superfan. An extra wide and open face is perfect for kissing and also important for judging whether that hot homo habilis is looking at you flirtatiously or rapaciously when you comment on the size of his stone tools.

Civil Disobedience. Wearing a factory-farmed chicken suit or a George Bush mask during a political protest is sexy. Also marching in a parade, for any reason really, could work…or even just getting sweaty-excited when talking about Hermann Hesse or Bob Dylan or Arby’s.

Messiness. If a dude is exquisitely organized and claims to favor “minimalist” décor and his place looks like an IKEA catalogue, I am instantly reminded of Patrick Bateman in American Psycho and visualize myself getting axed and splattered all over the white, plastic-covered furniture. Some chaos of clutter is liberating and hot. Straight-up dirty is not. (Except for Dirt Nasty a.k.a. Simon Rex, who looks like an effing Adonis.)

Talks to Animals. Preferably in a funny voice that anthropomorphizes the animal. Dudes that attempt to suppress this most primitive instinct are probably withholding in life and in bed and nobody needs that shit.

Laughs After Being Injured. There is nothing worse than seeing your cool-guy date fall off a ski lift and transform into a desperate, wayward-grabbing, on-his-back crab. If he can’t take ownership of the crab and exaggerate the injury-gestures to comic effect while laughing-so-hard-he-cries, then I just can’t get with that.

“Off the Grid” Factors. This usually means missing conspicuous “regular person” trappings such as a car, phone, TV, or bank account; which may be due to environmentalism, conspiratorial thinking, and/or sheer absent-mindedness. This is titillating to me in the same way that handlebar-mustached Sam Elliot was when he played an outlaw biker in Mask. Damn.

Funny Drunk. The funny drunk variety of inebriation is unequivocally the sexiest (belligerent drunk being the least sexy). Particularly arousing examples of this include full-body re-enactments of past events, mocking impressions of friends, and a bit of impromptu krumping.

– If you’re looking to strike Kat Kluegel’s fancy, you may wish to purchase the above belt buckle for $30.49 at Sears.