The Vatican doesn’t take official stances on presidential elections, but seriously, #Santorum is an #assface. Ok. So sailor-talk aside. I still think this thing is do-able. Don’t you Benedict? I mean, Santorum has unwittingly become the face of U.S. Catholics. And while that slot—the face of U.S. Catholics—has never been a particularly good-looking one, you could make an argument that that was once JFK. Or maybe even a hippie saint like Thomas Merton, who was all capitalism and nuclear bombs are fucking wack, dude. But now we have Santorum, who wants to give his presidential addresses from behind a cloud of incense and blessed oils. BARF.

Ummmmm, guess Galileo was right. SORRY! This probably wouldn’t assuage a lot of people’s pent-up intellectual rage (justifiably so), but it’d be a start. I mean, back in the days when I was sorta like, “Oh, Catholic Church, I’ll give you another shot, tell me your side of the story,” a Jesuit (dear god…) informed me that Galileo had his banishment coming because he, (and I quote) “thumbed his nose at the church.” SINCE WHEN DOES THE HOLY SEE POSSESS THE PRIDEFUL WILLPOWER OF A 7-YEAR-0LD ON THE PLAYGROUND?!!!

Ok, ok, just kidding, the 1960s were NOT to blame for the priest sex scandal. We were. Because, we’ve got some #perves working for us. Again, just getting the ball rolling here on reparations (or reconciliations, if that’s your thing). But, there needs to be just a collective, “that’s fucking bush league psychoanalysis, sorry, folks,” taking back of their 2011 justification of nasty-ass priests sexually abusing little boys because Elvis shook his hips and like girls wore shorter skirts. Really?! That’s the schoolyard equivalent of justifying throwing pea rock at a boy because he stuck his tongue out at you. It’s also egregiously disrespectful to the myriad victims, etc., but they’ve never been a real concern have they…

You can use condoms. That’s ok. We’ve been overreacting on that one. LOLZ! On four separate occasions I’ve attended confession and been guilted into apologizing for sexual relations I enjoyed/didn’t feel bad about/wanted to repeat later that evening. Of all the things to get on your high horse about (hmmm…how about, racism, poverty, debt, I don’t know, fuck, Chris Brown winning Grammies) and you go and choose condoms. Please, let me point your way toward the irrelevance door.

Dan Brown was actually spot on with those books. I’m not really big on the whole conspiracy buff thing, but I think this would just be kinda cool in a totally transparent gesture. Hey, yep, there are clues in paintings, Jesus had a wife, and his offspring is like working the late-shift at an Arby’s in Jackson, Minnesota or whatever. You could keep the rest of the shitty church dogma, but I’d come on board purely for the WTF factor.

~Dunstan McGill