I’m not really into the whole corporate, commodification of love thing: You’re working for a state-funded liberal arts college in rural America and/or you have penis anxiety issues.

I don’t care about being single—I celebrate the holiday for the aesthetic: You’ve been rejected/cheated on by three people, routinely “like” photos of that “Boo” dog, and recently thought about calling yourself “bi” on OkCupid. Also, you probably make cupcakes a lot for no good reason.

I just wish this day was OVER!: You lack an original thought and will spend two to three hours tonight considering switching fitness centers.

Woot! I love Valentine’s Day! Not! I’m going to get drunk with THE LADIES!: You will text your old boyfriend the whole night and think mean thoughts about your best friend’s new hairdo.

You post videos to Facebook ranting about douchebag guys and you type the phrase “soul sistas” on your best friend’s profile: You are probably conventionally unattractive, prone to consider your astronomical sign for reasons why you can’t pick up guys, and wearing too much make-up.

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and I could care less: You are factual in only the first half-of-that-sentence. You care very much about Valentine’s Day. It’s just no one cares about you.

There are other kinds of love besides for romance, you know: you are a Midwest housewife, you are writing your single, 27-year-old son an email, you are attaching an electronic Starbucks gift card, and you are prompting him to write out his reaction in a semi-popular blog that you don’t know exists.

~Dunstan McGill

Photo courtesy Starbooze