When I Should Have Kept my Mouth Shut

When I Should Have Kept my Mouth Shut

Age 6 –Playground at my Elementary School

Everyday in grade school, without fail, I spent the whole of my 25 recess minutes on the swing set. Whoever took the swing beside me automatically became my playmate for the day. One afternoon a classmate accepted this underwhelming offer, and before we knew it the two of us are swinging in unison, side by side. According to playground lore, this random act of physics signified that Ashley and I were now “married.” “Hey, I just married you!” She teased. “Ha ha, hey look!” I replied, slowing to swing in the opposite direct, “Now we’re divorced!” Her face puckered. “My parents are getting a divorce!” she sobbed, then leaped from her swing and ran away.

Age 16- Whitney Menke’s Basement

Nobody could deny that the highlight of Whitney Menke’s birthday party was her new malamute puppy, Kobe. After a long and anxious wait, I finally got my chance to hold him on the couch beside the birthday girl. “Isn’t he the softest?!” she cooed with pride while he squirmed in my lap. “God, no kidding,” I sighed, running my fingers over his fleecy back, “this fur would make the most gorgeous coat.” There was no going back. Whitney blinked at me with disgust, then scooped the puppy out of my arms.

Age 20- On an Airplane

I always elect to sit in the emergency aisle for the leg room. On one particular flight the attendant came around and asked the mandatory safety questions: Were comfortable managing the 30 pound exit door in the event of an emergency? Of course, we agreed. “Watch, now that I’m in charge there will be an emergency!” I said in jest to my plane buddy, who smirked politely and nodded. Unfortunately, this was in earshot of the attendant, who snapped her head back in alarm. Note: I’m Middle Eastern.

Age 21 to Present-Various Bars/Parties

“Hey did you guys know that toasting originated when a king required everyone dining in court to strike their goblets together? That way, if his wine had poison in it, he could slosh a little into everyone’s drink, and take traitors down with him!” Of all of my poorly timed “fun facts,” this one continues to sour toasts given by myself and others. Cheers!

-Katya Karaz