Things I’ve Learned From Older Men in the Locker Room
• There is a thing called a “skylight” bra, and it has a pleasant effect on the cleavage of dance team members.
• Too many sit-ups will give you “the farts.”
• Pubic hair is like the progressive floor plan of aging. When you’re in your twenties, you end up somewhere with shaggy, unkept carpet. By the time you’re middle-aged, you prefer living with hardwood floors.
• You’ve got to be careful about choosing the right conditioner: one guy’s hair fell out overnight from using Suave.
• Too many push-ups may also give you “the farts.”
• Some men will spend five minutes properly snapping on their wristwatch.
• In the past, men used to play checkers in the shower.
• As evidenced by her appearance in track clothes, the new corporate vice-president’s ass is “spankable.”
• About 75% of men have a sunburst tattoo on a shoulder blade.
• You can allow your balls to rest on the bench you’re sitting on while you talk about your Super Bowl pick, your wife’s casserole, and the skylight bra, and really no one will ask you to desist. You’re old. And you’ve earned whatever perverse right allows for this behavior.
• You’re allowed one obligatory homosocial towel snap. But just one.
Photo courtesy Boston Public Library