Let’s go on an adventure so great we’ll have to change our names when we’re done. We’ll slaughter farm animals that aren’t ours, run naked through the south yelling “Long live the north!” and we’ll steal hearts and take names and accomplish the task of waking the dead. Or, alternatively, we’ll carry the dead around on our shoulders and give them pet names like Hanky and Stewey and Robert and we’ll go to bars and set the dead on stools and order the dead drinks. When the bartender asks for their IDs we’ll say “Are you serious? This guy’s dead! The legal drinking age only applies to the living, idiot!” and the bartender will shrug, and pour our dead friends a beer. We’ll have defeated the bartender with simple logic.

We’ll go to the zoo and we’ll crawl around like animals on all fours and when the zoo staff tells us to stand because walking around on all fours at the zoo is dangerous, we’ll threaten to sue the zoo, and then we’ll point to the example of the animals who have been walking around on all fours for years and years, and not once did the zoo threaten to kick them out because they didn’t stand on their hind feet. Sounds like some kind of double standard, doesn’t it? We thought so.

We’ll go the mall but we won’t buy anything because secretly we refer to the mall as the Center Of Greed, because we have opinions about capitalism. Once inside the mall we’ll remove an article of clothing every time we hear a blonde girl say “like” and we’ll put an article of clothing back on every time we see an elderly person speedwalking while wearing tennis shoes from 1992. If we go to the mall in the afternoon, after all the old people have left, we’ll be naked and then swiftly taken to jail.

Once in jail we won’t eat a thing because we believe in passive resistance to authority and really no one can tell us to put non-organics in our mouths because let’s be real the prison system does not use organic foods. But we’ll tell everyone that we’re starving ourselves as a means of revolt, not because the food isn’t up to snuff.

But, truly, we will not have gone on a real adventure until we take to space. To do so we must steal a rocket from NASA and fuel ‘er up and I don’t think this is going to be as hard as it sounds. The space station we’ll target is in Florida and everyone there is kinda drunk so I’m sure no one will notice if we take the rocket out for a joyride. We’ll have it back in a month or so, and we’re sorry if it re-enters the earth’s atmosphere in a million pieces. That’s why god created gorilla glue.

And then we’ll kill a guy.

—Jason Zabel