-You have just driven 6 hours roundtrip to be told by this broad that she “doesn’t feel comfortable physically with you.” You can:

a) Tell her you were never really attracted to her either, but just wanted to break your 8-month streak of not getting laid…

b) Ask her to shut up and keep drinking…

c) Convince yourself she’s lying to you because she feels so vulnerable by your massive machismo….

You choose C.

–Two weeks later, drunk on the phone, she tells you that she just “wants to be friends, take it or leave it.” In this situation, you can now…

a) Protect your manhood, turn to Chapter 8, and tell her to go find a stuffed animal or a dildo to share her work stories with…

b) Go to page 85, be dismissive/petty, and repeat what she just said in a high-nasaly voice….Or

c)  Tell her you “take it,” then go back two months and spend 45 minutes alone with yourself debating the nature of time, serendipity, and romantic comedy plot lines you can remember where a guy who is just a friend “wins her back….”

You choose B (in your head), C for real.

-On NYE, when she is hooking up with an ex boyfriend and texts you something about “making out with randos” at some country bar, you can choose wisely and…

a) Grab the first girl in a vintage party dress you see at the house party, recite her a Hall n’ Oates line, and make out with her on top of the coats in the front room…

b) Puke in your friend’s bathroom, pass out, but only after you’ve stolen her blanket….Or

c) Not respond immediately but a week later get very controlling/creepy/irrational, and call out this girl for keeping secrets from you…

You choose parts of A & C, all of B.

-Lastly, weeks later, when you haven’t spoken to her in weeks and everyone seems the better for it, you can…

a) Write thinly-veiled blogposts about your relationship hoping she recognizes your wit and incisiveness, then texts you back randomly while you’re doing the laundry.

b) Just skip that, go straight to the Laundromat, stare at your phone, hoping she texts you, tears welling up in your eyes while you count out the quarters.

c) Move on like an emotionally-mature adult and start online dating…or at least hitting on randos at the bars.

You choose depends on the night.

~Dunstan McGill

Photo courtesy o5com