Santa’s Eight Little Reindeer, Ranked from My Least to Most Favorite, Sorta

Santa’s Eight Little Reindeer, Ranked from My Least to Most Favorite, Sorta

8. Cupid or Custer or Some Shit Like That: You know who I’m talking about. The one between Comet and Donner in the song. Is it Cupid? Or Coopid? Well I don’t like you, man. Can’t even remember your name. Forget you.

7. Next up, um, Donner, yeah, let’s go with him: According to the claymation film, wasn’t Donner technically speaking Rudolph’s surrogate father? Or was Donner putting on a little red, gym class coach hat, blowing a whistle at the little reindeer pups out on the ice?! Yeah, I like that. You’re okay, dude. Better than that last ambiguously-named screw up.

6. Dasher: I think there was a film about him, maybe from the late 80s or early 90s that may have sorta scared you as a kid? Like real, live reindeer—which is waaay scarier than claymation. But I like this guy because I think (if I’m remembering the film right) he taught me zoological differences between reindeer and your run-of-the-mill caribou (can’t fly).

5. Blitzen: Never received any face time in a major motion picture far as I know. But best name by far. Blitzen!? I mean, come on!? I bet he was a somabitch in those reindeer games! Am I right?!

4. Dancer: Um, booooring. You’re here just because I forgot about you till now. You mean nothing to me, Dancer. Go eat some hay.

3. Comet: Same as guy above you, except you got some home cleanser named after you. “Boys why don’t you go outside and play for awhile, I just sprayed Comet in the kitchen.” That’s all you mean to me. Did you even get a spot on the sleigh-pulling duties? Bet that stings a little.

(I’m actually having to Google the last two of these dummy quadrapeds)

2. Vixen: Likely the Amelia Earhardt of Reindeer. Busted through the glass ceiling. In terms of gender, if you’re a girl reindeer, can you have antlers? Maybe. I like this better if she’s a boy, though—maybe the one who keeps Santa on his toes.

1. Prancer: I don’t have time for this. Seriously? That’s his name? How would you like to be slapped with that name for eternity? I’d rather be an unhappy, wanna-be-dentist elf.

Dunstan McGill

p.s. If I had my druthers, this list would be topped with Rudolph. But we all know he’s a fabrication of the American PR industry anyway.