Scientology is in the news again, kinda! What would it take for me to become a Scientologist? You’d first have to remove part of my brain—the part of my brain that processes the way people perceive me. I know this is complicated, and really I don’t even know what that part of the brain is called. It’s the part of the brain that accurately asserts how others feel about you. What is that? If I had some sort of magical sorting device that allowed me to “search the world of knowledge” and accurately determine the answer to such a question, I would use it, but I know of no such thing.

What else would it take for me to become a Scientologist?

Well, here are some things I know about Scientology.

1. Scientology a space-obsessed cult that roasts and eats aliens. They do this while wearing little shreds of cloth that cover only their nethers while they dance around an open fire, chanting, John Travolta, John Travolta, John Travolta, 
 2. They have a lot of money which they use to insert scary-white fake teeth into their mouths, which they then use to smile creepily at one another.
3. John Travolta
4. They’re a cult but not quite like the cult that killed themselves while wearing the same tennis shoes.
5. Their founder was a science fiction writer who may or may not have believed he was God. He was very influential and did a real swell job of making other influential people believe he was right about a lot of shit and then they gave him their money and they all got fake shiny teeth together and lived happily ever after.
6. In Scientology, you don’t get to bring your pets with you to the space rock when you die.
7. Psychiatry is evil because it makes you actually think about things.
8. Tom Cruise
9. In the hall of made up religions (all of them), Scientology is just a little baby chick (that is actually just John Travolta dressed in costume).
10. When you write an article that mentions Scientology, you will get tens and tens of defensive Internet comments that make you believe they were written by people whose job it is to write Internet comments defending Scientology.

So anyway, all of those things listed above? I’d have to somehow forget about all of them in order to become a Scientologist. That’s what it would take.

—Jason Zabel just wants to receive crazy Scientology comments.