The Order In Which Jersey Shore Cast Members Die

The Order In Which Jersey Shore Cast Members Die

1. Mike “The Situation” will die first. Or at least I hope so. Kidding! Nah I’m serious. Not only is this my personal preference, but it’s also very likely. Mike will not die just because he’s a humongous pile of turnpike poo, he’ll die because he’s very dull and will ram his head into a concrete wall again, the way he did this past season while hanging with his fellow housemates in Italy, that foreign place where the group was surrounded by a strange tongue and an even stranger lack of showing your tits to everyone in the club. Anyway, Mike. Mike’s fatal flaw is that he believes he can attack or take on anyone, including walls, but he will one day come across a man who will punch his nose into his brain and at which time he will fall to the ground and it is going to be SO FUCKING SAD. Everyone on the Jersey Shore will forego one visit to the fake bake emporium in his honor, and will iron their t-shirts to their stiffest state in tribute. And then they’ll all get very drunk and the men will go back to date raping and the girls will go back to turning their faces into pre-death Michael Jackson expressions of horror and will once again say things like, “We didn’t even do sex, you fucking cum face!” Mike will die first, but he will live on forever in everyone’s hearts, and in the thousands of fatherless babies he created up and down the Jersey Shore. RIP Mike.

2. Ronnie will die second, after he punches Mike’s nose into his brain. When Mike passed, Ronnie began re-evaluating his life and the way in which he uses his muscles against other men. After Ronnie kills Mike he decides to make amends with his step-father in Haddock, New Jersey. While taking his estranged father out for a fine steak, Ronnie promptly chokes on the rare nub of beast and suffocates. The last words he mutters before turning blue and falling into his steak are, “but I never got to smush a really fat chick.” Sorry about your death, Ronnie.

3. Snooki, sadly, dies much too young. In a moment of solidarity, the nation weeps together. Government offices close upon hearing the news that Snooki passed during a routine boob-reshapening, a procedure she began getting yearly at the age of 33 in an effort to keep her melons spherical and appealing to the choicest juice-heads on the Shore. Unfortunately, at the age of 37 Snooki suffered from an electrifying boob explosion, a rare but not unheard of side-effect of the procedure. After her breast esploded the boob materials floated out of her chest area and into her brain and well she passed soon after while dreaming about dancing table-top at her favorite Chili’s Restaurant. She was buried in a coffin built for a little person near her parents’ home in Little Spice, NJ, but her larger-than-life personality/hairstyle will live on as a meme on the internet. BYE.

4. JWoww. JWoww dies at age 40 in a bank robbery. A man walks into a bank where she’s teller and says, “give me all the money you can or I’ll shoot!” JWoww replies, “Don’t fuckin’ start with me,” and is promptly splattered all over the lobby. RIP.

5. Sammie. Eh who fuckin’ cares when she dies.

6. Pauly D.: Death by aerosol can explosion, age 65. He leaves behind four daughters, every one of which was married to Hugh Heffner until the Playboy legend’s unfortunate demise at age 147. (Well, that’s when his brain died, at least; the rest of him had been dead for several decades.) But, yeah, watch out for those fuckin’ aerosol cans. Fuck.

7. Deena. Deena is murdered by her third son, who decided to gun her down after Deena, age 70, threatened to “cut his fuckin’ balls off” because he didn’t finish his plate at their weekly Saturday night carbo load. It was probably time for her to go.

8. Vinny dies at age 83 on his plantation in Mississippi. One of his personal servants, a man named Reginold, said of Mr. Vinny at his funeral: “Never has a man so kindly allowed me to only plough field for 6 days a week, sixteen hours a day. I also picked cotton for Mr. Vinny despite those new-fangled machineries that pluck the snowy wisps from the plant, but Mr. Vinny was nothing’ but nice to me, only lashing me when I done picked the cottons wrong, and he never once impregnated my wife without paying for the offspring’s denim and yearly dental check-up. He was a good man.”

Jason Zabel