The Post-Breakup Slutty Period: A Road Map

The Post-Breakup Slutty Period: A Road Map

The last time you chose a significant other, you did so carefully. He had a twinkle in his eye that caught your attention from across the room. He was wearing an outfit that highlighted his casual cool attitude,  and had a great one-liner that snagged your interest and left you wondering who this charming stranger could be. Maybe you even slowly got to know one another, to make sure you “built something lasting” with “a good fit” who you might even “have a future with.” You two had a good run, marked by a union of souls such as two people have never before shared.

Now here you are, some indeterminate amount of time after you fucked it up beyond repair, and your heart still yearns for mumbled thoughts at three in the morning and the heavy warmth of his hand on your chest. Here is what to expect of the next six to 18 months of your life.

The first step on the path to healing is to forget that feeling: to wipe clean the imprint of his body on yours. Excuse yourself to a skanky, downtown, sausage-fest club where you should brusquely and methodically shake your body against that of a stranger [gender irrelevant]. You should be rubbing your back and touching your neck, body movin’, titties bouncin’, humpin’, jumpin’, smilin’, and grindn’ to communicate your intent of leaving your once-comfortable relationship in the past.

You probably have a lot of issues and angst to work through, so for a while, you will need a steady supply of one-time-use-only lays. It doesn’t matter who they are: the coke-dealing thug hanging around your hostel in Brooklyn? The French waiter who just served you dessert? That cute hipster who you’d never suspect was a rabbi? All fair game. Simultaneously, you will want an emotional rock in the form of a friend who cannot know any deets of your bad behavior and has been not-so-secretly in love with you for a while. Things will get sticky if you sleep with the friend, so keep it PG-13: naked cuddles, long heart to hearts, and Glee-viewing dates. After this phase is over, never speak to any of these people again.

You simply met Adonis when you weren’t looking for him, but for the final phase of healing, frantically try to make a comfy routine with whatever asshole you can eat with a couple of times without strangling. There will be an awkward one who gets drunk and forgets that you haven’t granted them back-door access, perhaps even a sleazy co-worker who will cheat on you with the new girl before she even finishes job training. These short [1-3 month] relationships are a good way to ease from one-night stands back to a long term relationship. Don’t do anything stupid, like getting knocked up//other lifelong STD//falling in love with one of these clowns.

At last, you have emerged from the creative and physiological process of retraining your body and mind to not reverberate at the least reminder of the one who broke your heart. Even better, you are now cleared to pursue a normal life without the well-earned titles of good girl, player, cheater, douchebag, asshole, slut, whore, and maneater following you. Well, unless you want them to.

Alix Nettnay used to be a good girl, and after a year of misadventures, still is.

Photo by Ko_An (Creative Commons)