The hoebrow arises out of a curious correlation that is often observable in high school hallways, nail salons and suburban bars: The thinner a woman’s eyebrows are, the skankier she is. Why is this?
First, let’s describe the hoebrow. Your standard hoebrow is shaped like one parenthesis hanging over a woman’s eye, plucked with militant attention to newly budding hairs and strays falling out of line with the rest.
Where does the hoebrow come from? What causes it? The Tangential has hypothesized two origins:
1. Boredom/ Aimlessness
Overly thin brows and overly promiscuous sexual activity both spring from one well – boredom. Namely, boredom caused by feeling unsure about the source of one’s affirmation/self worth. This leads to lots of time sitting around, wondering what one’s purpose is until there is nothing to do but pluck or pick up the phone and start sexting.
Imagine a day in the life of a woman bearing extreme hoebrows. One of the main activities is intense mirror-staring with a gaze marked by self-scrutiny, until she has no choice but to whip out the tweezers and take it all out on her brows. After a few of these days, they’ve been whittled into small, nervous lines that say, “I’m open to suggestion.”
2. Evil salon waxers
Certain people who work at salons may have hoebrows themselves, and find it necessary to sick their condition on all of their customers.
“I have a great idea for you. Let’s just trim some off the bottom and top, until it whittles into a sleek arch.” This sounds sophisticated and clean, but don’t trust it. They’re secretly trying to initiate you into the cult of ho by violently ripping hot wax off your face.
What is the cure for hoebrows? First, be too busy to even look in the mirror. Have several jobs and pursue a time-consuming hobby like ceramics. Secondly, find some true browspiration to stare at while plucking your own. Mary-Kate and Ashley’s brows are almost as big as band-aids, so that’s a safe place to start.
Happy grooming!
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