Spoonspeak: Introducing the peculiar into post-coital conversations

You’re falling asleep, but not quite yet. First, you need to make small talk. Here are some go-to conversation starters that I use before those crucial moments after intercourse, before sleep.

Talk about dead bodies. That frilly teddy lying in between your bodies could be transformed into the nightgown that JonBenet Ramsey was wearing when you abducted and murdered her. If you’re with the right partner, this will lead to a dialogue where one of you pretends to be a  necrophiliac and the other a corpse in varying stages of decomposition. Do you need to be thawed out by the fire yet? Make a joke about him/her being stiff or… gooey : (

Joke about being furries. Don’t take this one too far.

Confess body-hair removal horror stories. Remember that time he tried to NAIR his testicles or she almost accidently shaved off the tip of her nipple? Tell these stories now. Put the vulgar back into “divulgence.” That’s right, it used to be there, what happened to it?

Act like an airplane. Begin with a sputter and static radio noise. Say things like “mayday” and “coming in hot.” If you’re energetic, then disengage from your spooning position and lift your arms like airplane wings. Make a few laps around the mattress and then request to be cleared for landing. If your partner is unresponsive, call him/her “Goose” and act concerned that s/he’s not speaking. If you two are pretending to be spoons and the partner is reluctant, try to segway this by giving the other the call sign of “spooner.”

Offer snacks. If you’re doing it right, your 30-45 minutes of lovemaking should have left you exhausted. Thirsty, hungry. Rather than sending your partner downstairs for a glass of warm tap water or flying out the window to feast on cribbed babies (you do like being on top after all), just go ahead and reach into your bag. There you will find the cooler full of pomegranates, ice water, hummus and if you’re lucky, some semi-fresh toddler meat which you can share with your partner. Also, if you are Hades, you can use the pomegranate to trick your sweetie into moving in with you half the year. Welcome home, honey.

Papier-mâché your bodies. Make molds of his flaccid penis or her breasts. You can hang them up in your chamber or play a kinky game of museum curator and the traveling exhibit. Better: put down a tarp and papier-mâché your bodies together and wait for the claustrophobia to set in.

Cover your partner with a collection of objects. The objects really depend on what you’re in to. Do you jones for those toy trains from the catalogues? Cover your partner’s naked body with them. Are you and your baby news junkies? Ripped up copies of the Indy Star and your saliva and sweat can make you two birds a love nest.

Mira Fields