Introduction: How I Met Ke$ha

“I’ve known assholes like you,” Ke$ha said as she pulled up a stool, slapped me on the leg, and blew vodka breath in my face. “You’re one of those assholes with the black-rimmed glasses.”

It was true. I was.

Ke$ha was celebrating her 35th birthday, a let-down of an occasion that had actually occurred the day before. Her boyfriend of three months, Matt, forgot all about it. “He doesn’t really like meeeeee,” Ke$ha slurred. “He just likes my titssssss!” She squeezed together her fleshy buhbies and made a face that said “I’m purring!” but she never actually created any noise.

Ke$ha was on her 12th vodka. Her boyfriend Matt was on the other side of the karaoke bar drinking dark spirits and giving eyes to the curvy thing singing “Barracuda.”

“You know he’s 12 years older than meeeeeee,” Ke$ha said unprompted, a flirty smile present. I nodded my head. He looked about fifty. I was feeling good at math.

“Why didn’t he get you a gift?” I asked Ke$ha.

“Because he’s a faggot!!!!!” she said.

“Is he really?”

“No!” she said, disgusted. “He just doesn’t care about meeeee!!!”

“I’m sorry.”

“He has a big dick!!!!”

“Ke$ha…”

“What! I just can’t not tell you about it!!!!” I was secretly pleased.

The conversation continued on this subject for a while. She had drank herself passed the point of processing feeling, yet emotions were very visible in her face.

Topics Of Conversation Covered After Our Introduction

Lake Minnetonka
Tanning
Breasts
Penises
50-year-old men
Ageism in America
How to get your hair that blonde
The pros and cons of tequila
“Gay” in America
“I’m the least racist person you will ever meet. Reallllllllllly!!!!!”

Thematic Undercurrents  

Sadness
Regret
The role of blondes in society

Ke$ha’s Conversational Quirks 

Maniacal giggling
Bouts of the pouts
Using her tits as words
Alcohol-induced slurring

Assumptions That Can Be Made About Her Childhood

Her Daddy drank
Her Mommy spanked
Only child
Learned the pros and cons of horny boys early
Quickly decided to ignore all cons

What About Ke$ha’s Future?

Ke$ha will die childless and ironically in the back of a mini-van, via meth O.D. at age 42.

OR

She will find Christ at age 37.

Conclusion

Ke$ha’s love is my drug.

–Jason Zabel wonders if he really met Ke$ha last Friday night