Why She Never Locks Her Window. Clarissa, it doesn’t matter if you’re living in a suburb in Ohio; there are creepers everywhere. You gotta lock that shit up. I know, I know. “Sam won’t be able to get in,” blah blah blah. He needs to use the front door like a gentleman (and cut it out with those denim vests).
Why she never banged Sam. Seriously. He’s coming into your window every day anyway. Seems pretty convenient to me. Plus, aren’t close friends for experimenting with?
How her mom’s hair stayed so perfect. She had an amazing bang wave. Was it Aqua Net? I need to know.
Where the family marijuana plant was kept. Mom’s an environmentalist working at a children’s museum. Dad’s an architect. Mom and Dad are stoners, right?
Why she dated a bully named Clifford. Bullies are mean, Clarissa. Once a bully, always a bully. I thought you were smarter than this! You program computers and believe in UFOs, for [Pete and] Pete’s sake!
Why her room was cooler than she was. Hubcabs? Tiny alligator in a kiddie pool? DIY checkerboard walls? Damn. That is not the room of a Pearl Jam fan.
Where all those sweet graphics came from. It was the 90’s, and that “magic marker on the screen” was pretty advanced stuff. That “spin my name around” graphic? Not so much.
What her theme song was supposed to mean. “Na na nana na. Alright, alright. Na na nanana na. Way cool!” Huh?
Who she was always talking to. How did she know I was glued to my television screen, drooling over her Doc Martens and bright leggings? There must have been someone in her room with her, right? And why did they have a camera?
Where Babies Come From. Where’s your fancy pie chart now, Clarissa? What percentage of babies were fathered by Ferg-face?
Quantum Physics. Whatever.
P.S. Have you seen the pilot episode for “Clarissa Now,” the follow-up series? She’s a journalist!
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