Hello again, welcome to another installment of Do It Yourself with Chris Bastedo. As you are probably aware, the Minnesota government is currently in shutdown mode because they can’t agree on a budget. Although this shutdown has not yet lead to widespread looting and public orgies like I had hoped, it has become a major inconvenience for a lot of people. Therefore, I have made this simple guide which, if followed, should allow you to make your very own fully solvent Minnesota State Government.
Set up: To start, we have to face the fact that one person is going to find it difficult to alter the decision-making of an entire state legislature. Thus, I give you one of three ways to make sure your voice heard:
1. Start a grassroots political movement on a community level and gradually expand until our legislators can no longer ignore the will of the people. (Meh)
2. Build a reputation as a leader and a person of good ideas and character, then run for the legislature. Once elected, use bribery, blackmail and deceit to make others acquiesce to your demands. (Looks good on paper but it seems like it would take a while)
3. Hire an elite group of mercenaries to storm the capitol and make you the leader of a tyrannical, autocratic regime. (Recommended)
The Fix: Once you have the power to affect the budget, it’s as simple as implementing the commonsense fixes outlined below:
Retroactively Tax the Producers of Jingle All The Way. Perhaps we could enact a tax on “cinematic midget punching,” or perhaps just charge a fee for allowing Jim Belushi to enter our state?
Make the Animals at our Zoos Fight for Sport. With services for Minnesotan people being stopped, it’s pretty shocking that our animals are skating along without a care in the world. I say we save the money spent feeding the animals for a few days then release them into the arena (I assume our zoos all have arenas). People would pay a pretty penny to see a baboon fight five emus and a penguin.
Prisoners. Actually, this one is pretty much the same as the last one except for some reason I don’t feel quite as bad about it.
RT Rybak. Minneapolis’ beloved mayor is an experienced leader, a man of power and a gentleman. We could whore his ass out for a good dollar any night of the week.
Corpse Disposal for other States. Look, we’re not the only place with a budget problem. I defy you to find a government agency that can afford to dredge every one of our lakes.
Eliminate Funding for the Arts. because, I mean come on; we don’t live in Homo-sota. Am I right?
Pillage Wisconsin It’s time we put our proud Scandinavian heritage to some real use. Viking ships will set out on Lake Superior and attack and loot the pathetically defended counties of Northern Wisconsin. Then we sell that shit on Ebay, yo.
There you go. You should have a sensibly run, sustainably budgeted state government. My only request: if there’s a little extra money, build a statue of me. You know that’d look good in St. Paul, and besides, you owe me big.