A Day in the Life of a Failed Writer

A Day in the Life of a Failed Writer

8:15 A.M.
-Wake up on the couch partially undressed but still wearing shoes
-Look around, think about death
-Clean up the various food stuffs that surround my body
-Put Sriracha sauce back in the fridge
-Hide evidence of my drinking
-Plug in and turn on computer that died while watching an NBC rerun I’ve already seen three times
-Undress completely, stand up, go to the cabinet and eat 5 ibuprofen and 6 antacid tablets
-Drink water from the faucet until I feel like I’ll burst
-Take a long hard look at myself in the mirror

8:25 A.M.
-Climb into bed, try not to wake up girlfriend, attempt to make it seem as if i’ve been in bed for hours
-Inadvertently wake up girlfriend, pretend to be very asleep
-Listen with eyes firmly shut while girlfriend gets up, pees, and makes coffee manually without a french press
-Steal glances at girlfriend’s backside while she dresses and gets ready, pretend to be asleep when she turns around

9:00 A.M.
-Girlfriend leaves to work for the betterment of society

10:30 A.M.
-Wake up, think about getting up, fantasize about being a famous writer who makes sexy cameos in movies and shreds on guitar
-Fall back asleep

11:30 A.M.
-Get up, move fan from bedroom to living room
-Think about coffee/think about writing
-Remember that I broke french press when drunk
-Remember that french press belonged to girlfriend
-Make mental note to replace french press
-Think about sex
-Go to computer/find enduring and motivational note from girlfriend asking me to write something before work
-Feel lucky/fell terrible
-Make mental decision to write
-Sit down at desk and stare at computer screen

11:35 A.M.
-Put on underwear, t-shirt, basketball shorts and leave apartment to get coffee
-Tell myself that with coffee I’ll write

11:40 A.M.
-At coffee shop feel mad about how expensive coffee is
-Feel like there is nothing “fair” about this “trade”
-Know that “fair trade” is a great thing, feel guilty for thinking negatively about it

11:55 A.M.
-Return from coffee mission slightly defeated
-Feel peckish, decide to eat

12:05 P.M.
-Eat relatively healthy food that’s in apartment, wish it was barbecue pork
-Think about getting barbecue before work

12:25 P.M.
-Make long and unrealistically aggressive to-do list
-Wash all dishes in house
-Make bed
-Listen to podcasts made by motivated creative people and organize desk

12:55 P.M.
-Sit at desk staring at computer, check email, check facebook, check bank account
-Decide to listen to music to rally spirit, try to plug in speakers
-Remember that I broke girlfriend’s computer speakers when drunk
-Look at computer speakers on Craigslist
-Look at random things on Craigslist

1:45 P.M.
-Still on Craigslist

1:55 P.M.
-Decide to completely abandon writing as a vocation, pick up guitar, decide to give music a try again

2:05 P.M.
-Want to smash guitar/feel frustrated
-Decide to go for a run to release endorphins

2:10 P.M.
-Run three miles

2:45 P.M.
-Return from run, lay on the floor and feel like my heart’s going to explode.

2:50 P.M.
-Google pedometer run, realize it’s actually only 1.6 miles and not three
-Feel pathetic

2:55 P.M.
-Take shower
-Think about sex
-Turn hot water off

3:15 P.M.
-Get dressed for work/play records

3:30 P.M.
-Watch youtube Jack Kerouac interview from the Steve Allen show
-Watch youtube Jack Kerouac interview from the Steve Allen show again

3:40 P.M.
-Come to terms with the fact that I’m not going to write before work
-Start to look at jobs online

3:45 P.M.
-Think about going back to school
-Google search graduate programs that will take low GRE scores

3:55 P.M.
-Think about becoming a stand-up comic
-Watch you tube videos of stand-up sets
-Decide I’m more creative late at night, promise myself I’ll write after work

4:00 P.M.
-Receive supportive motivational text from girlfriend/Feel guilty

4:02 P.M.
-Read about music online

4:10 P.M.
-Illegally download music/check facebook again/check email again/check facebook again
-Think about how I hate my job
-Think about how lucky I am to have a job
-Feel terrible self-loathing bubbling up

4:23 P.M.

4:27 P.M.:
-Leave for work

4:35 P.M.:
-Arrive at work late

4:35 P.M.-1:35 A.M.: at least 3 of these things happen

1. Someone spills beer all over me
2. I spill beer all over myself
3. Someone gets mad about the bill for their drinks, tries to refuse to pay
4. A girl falls down the stairs on her way to the bathroom to vomit
5. A guy vomits on the money he’s trying to pay with
6. I think about writing, get a flood of ideas, wish I had my computer
7. I 86 someone, their friends get mad, leave no tip/try to fight me
8. A drunk old person teaches me something about life
9. A drunk old person makes me sad about life

1:45 A.M.
-Clean up and finish work/think about how hungry I am

1:55 A.M.
-Have four shift drinks on an empty stomach
-Feel drunk

2:00 A.M.
-Bike home wobbling

2:15 A.M.
-Ride by barbecue restaurant/think about barbecue

2:30 A.M.
-Try to be quiet in apartment but feel very hungry and creatively stinted
-Decide I don’t feel like writing/promise myself I’ll write in the morning when I wake up

2:35 A.M.
-Eat an array of random junk food and drink girlfriends boxed wine while watching NBC reruns

2:55 A.M.
-Feel very warm and sleepy, try to undress

3:00 A.M.
-Abandon ideas about undressing and succumb to sleep

-Ian Power writes over at Drunken Suitcase