Location where virginity was lost: Barn
How you will die: It will be a brisk November morning, the first very cold day of what will be a very cold winter, but you won’t be around to experience it. You’ll be driving to the grocery store in your 2002 Kia Spectra, speeding down the interstate, listening to your favorite Yung Joc song, “It’s Goin Down,” when you will careen into the great-great-great-great grandgoat of the goat that had to watch you awkwardly figure out sex in the barn that first time. You will be 33 and the last thing you will hear is a bleating animal.

Location where virginity was lost: On a ferris wheel
How you will die: After visiting the doctor because of a curious mole your lover finds on your back, you will learn that you likely have skin cancer. Devastated, you will leave the hospital and be murdered by a deranged carnie in the parking lot.

Location where virginity was lost: In a wooden canoe
How you will die: While hang gliding over the Ozarks, you will be separated from your fellow hang-gliders and, unfortunately, be eaten by a bear who’s angry because his habitat has been destroyed by the greedy wooden canoe-building industry.

Location where virginity was lost: In a funeral home
How you will die: You will live forever.

Location where virginity was lost: Backseat of your parents’ minivan
How you will die: You’ll die alone in the backseat of your own minivan. Cause unknown.

Location where virginity was lost: Fort set upon stilts in a sandy backyard
How you will die: Death by carpenter ant attack. Yes, unfortunately you will be eaten alive by ants.

Location where virginity was lost: High school locker room
How you will die: After 35 years teaching Dickens and Shakespeare to high school students who hate you because you won’t let them “crank that soulja boy” or “take crack” in the classroom, you will die peacefully in your sleep. Then, you will be eaten by your tens of cats.

Location where virginity was lost: Kentucky Fried Chicken bathroom
How you will die: Heart attack while eating at a McDonald’s.

–Jason Zabel did not even think about someone losing their virginity in a bed