1. In addition to getting the iconic red hand symbol of Hunter S. Thompson’s “Freak Power” party tattooed to his forearm, this dumb cynic also dropped out of journalism school after 5 years and only one review on Danzig’s latest album written for the school newspaper.
2. After inking a Ralph Steadman gila monster (ala Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas) to his shoulder blade, this rube bastard also feels politically disaffected and doesn’t vote in national elections—a sentiment he announces while at his wife’s cast party for the local community playhouse’s production of Annie.
3. Right before he uses a dull paper clip to trace his favorite quote from Hells Angels into his abdominal, in which Dr. Thompson speaks about driving motorcycles over the California Hills, this Amazonian AssClown purchases a 6-pack of Code Red Mountain Dew and Big-Ass Bag of Funyons to devour while he hurls insults at sportscaster Bob Costas during some irrelevant pro sports contest.
4. To go along nicely with the facsimile of Dr. Thompson’s face circa Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail monogrammed with the word “Gonzo” in deep, skin-searing black ink, this Bewilderingly Hollow-Minded ShitBag waxes philosophically about the maintenance people at Target Field needing to change the urine cakes in the stalls more regularly.
5. Because he’s spending all his cash next week on an elaborate, black-ink photograph to put on his back of Dr. Thompson hoisting a firearm captioned by the phrase “I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity, but they’ve always worked for me,” this Mescaline-Fueled, Fire-Spewing, Bat-Shit-Eating-Madhouse Proprietor is spending the weekend working overtime at his job delivering vital organs by hospital van from Minneapolis to Willmar.
-Dunstan McGill
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