As with many avid Do It Yourselfers, a lot of my love for building things was instilled in me by my father. So for this edition of Do It Yourself with Chris Bastedo, I’ve decided to show you how to build one of the earliest projects I can remember him taking on. Also, in his memory, I’ve decided to show you step-by-step exactly how he built a Precious Moments figurine shelf (he’s still alive but whatever).
1. Wood – probably one piece of the flat horizontal variety for putting trophies on another two smaller pieces to support it and mount it to the wall
2. Screws – a few
3. A son
1. Have a son (I won’t get into the details of how to do this part but I’d imagine you can find out on other parts of the internet).
2. Raise son to the age of six then sign him up for tee-ball.
3. Build the shelf (come on, its three pieces of wood and some screws, you figure it out).
4. Show your son the shelf you built and explain to him that the shelf is only for the trophies that he wins playing baseball and all the other sports he will surely be good at. Don’t be afraid to heap on the expectations of success. After all, those will make him play better.
5. Teach your son a valuable lesson by telling him that not winning a trophy this season will only make him play that much harder next year. Be sure not to let him put his participation trophy on the shelf; they give that shit to everyone.
6. Sign son up for another losing season of baseball.
7. Get wife pregnant, regain some hope.
8. It’s a girl. Fuck.
9. Occasionally stare at empty shelf then glance over at your son. Quickly turn and leave the room.
11. Explain to wife that it’s a team sport and he’s bound to be on a team that can carry his weight (figuratively and to some degree literally) someday. So no, she cannot put her stupid figurines on the trophy shelf.
12. Hey he signed up for golf and karate. They’re not baseball, but you’re pretty sure they give out trophies for those, too. There’s no way he’s bad at all three, right?
13. REALLY? He’s not good at any of them? Tell him you’ll let him put up some kind of “most improved” award if he wins one (he won’t).
14. Put your daughter’s soccer trophy in the attic.
15. 8 years after constructing the shelf, your son comes home with a trophy: a real life actual trophy. With a beaming smile he hands it to you. It says: “3rd Place Piedmont Regional MATHCOUNTS: Individual Competition.”
17. Tell your wife she can put her stupid goddamn Precious Moments figurines on the stupid goddamn shelf.
There you have it! In 8 to 10 years you’ll have yourself a wonderful little shelf for your figurines. Thanks, Dad!
–Chris Bastedo doesn’t hate his dad, he swears.