In Response to the 2/5ths-Assed Bio The Tangential Wrote For Me

In Response to the 2/5ths-Assed Bio The Tangential Wrote For Me


Dear Tangential, I’m sorry I didn’t submit a bio.

So I see that I now have a half-assed bio (that may be too generous, 2/5ths assed at best) on the writers page of The Tangential. I took the liberty of writing some better bios for you to use. Please choose from any of the following:

Chris Bastedo is a mid to high-functioning alcoholic who sometimes has thoughts originating above the waist. He once tried to conquer Europe but he’s very sorry about that now.

Chris Bastedo is a superhero at Galactic Pizza but he doesn’t think that’s interesting anymore. What he does think is interesting is that he owns the largest collection of musical pornography in the upper Midwest.

Chris Bastedo is currently incarcerated at the Lockwood Correctional Facility for the Mentally Impaired. He enjoys blogging and shiving people in the thigh when they take too many carrots at supper.

Chris Bastedo would be a philanthropist if he had money to donate or cared about things or people. Instead he’s an asshole.

Chris Bastedo is a dirty boy and needs to be punished. Yeah that’s right, he knows he’s a dirty little slut. Are you going to make him pay? Yeah? Yeah! Just like that. What a little bitch.

Chris Bastedo lives in Minneapolis until his plan to terraform Mars pans out. It’s not so much a plan, really, as it is a hope that Total Recall will somehow become true.

Chris Bastedo was once voted best blowjob receiver by a panel of experts, including Noam Chomsky. He also likes riding bikes.

Chris Bastedo formerly ran an illegal gambling ring that bet on elementary school spelling bees. He would have gotten away with it too if that stupid little shit would have remembered how to spell “potpourri.”

ALL HAIL Chris Bastedo! HE WILL LAY WITH FREYJA AND THEIR SEED SHALL RULE FOR A THOUSAND MOONS.

Thank you in advance for correcting this.

Chris Bastedo

Response from Tangential editor Becky Lang

Hi Chris,

I felt a little iffy when I wrote all of this:

Chris Bastedo – I think he works at Galactic Pizza on Lyndale. I’ve never met him, but we order their pizza at my work sometimes and it comes in huge slices. The guys who work there show up in these tiny 3-wheel cars wearing green jump suits. Not lying. Also, our editor Katie Sisneros religiously goes there for Trivia on Tuesday nights as part of the prestigious team The Bill Paxtons.

Dustin Saunders – Same goes for this guy, although I’m unclear if they work at Galactic Pizza or are simply a part of Katie’s trivia team.

But my goal of getting you to send in a bio has been achieved.

Apologies for not using more 5ths of an ass. I like your writing and also Galactic Pizza.

-Becky Lang