How to Reluctantly Deduce That He Doesn’t Want to Sleep with You, Using Only Text Messages

How to Reluctantly Deduce That He Doesn’t Want to Sleep with You, Using Only Text Messages

1. You send him a text message, and then think of something you forgot to say so you send a P.S. a few minutes later. “Having a good night? Work was kinda slow tonight but I made good money considering… What r u up to? P.S. I’m chillin with my roommate and her boyfriend. We’re drinking microbrews & talking about society. Tots hipster ; )”

2. You proceed to keep your phone with you at all times, and turn the ringer volume from Vibrate mode to Medium so you can be sure to hear when he texts you back. While waiting, you read the messages you sent about nine times to make sure they’re as witty as you originally thought. Two hours later, he finally texts back. “Haha, that’s funny. Maybs u should turn it up a notch and drink PBR tallboys instead. Not much going on, just doing a bunch of homework.” You reply immediately. Don’t worry, you’ll learn.

3. The next time this happens, you tell yourself you’re going to wait a few minutes before replying, to give the appearance that you might actually have more important things to do than wait around for his texts (you don’t). Gradually, you build your wait time in between texts to 20 minutes, the whole time your phone burning a hole in your pocket. To keep from going crazy, you compose your reply but then save it as a draft and count down the minutes until you can safely send it without looking too psychotic.

4. After you send the text, in anticipation of his next reply, you compose a new message replying to what you think he might say. It’s really witty, like most of your texts, and you save it as a draft. You can’t wait to see what he has to say so you can send it off. One and a half hours later, he replies. And it has nothing to do with your pre-composed text. You save the text anyway, hoping that the conversation will come back around so you can unleash your witty banter. It never does. Before you go to bed, you finally delete the draft, feeling a little stupid for assuming too much.

5. The next morning, you wake up with a newfound determination not to appear so pathetic. You decide that you’re not going to text him until he texts you first. At first it’s a little hard and you check your phone more than is necessary, especially considering that you turned the ringer volume up and have yet to hear your phone beep. But when 5 minutes turns in to 20, and 20 minutes turns in to an hour, you succumb to the fact that he’s busy and move on to other things. (Inside you tell yourself that he’s still sleeping and will text as soon as he wakes up.)

6. It’s noon, and you know that he’s definitely not still sleeping. You try not to take it personally and re-determine yourself to just wait. To assuage your impatience, you go through all the texts multiple times from the night before, analyzing the flow of the conversation. Yesterday’s text count: you – 21, him – 7.

7. Around 3:30 he finally texts you. “Busy morning! Taking a break and then back at it in a few. Hope your having a good day : )” No apology. Generally vague. Didn’t ask you any questions or say anything that could potentially elicit a response. You have no idea what he’s up to and get the feeling that you shouldn’t ask. You’re bitter at this point and wait a full two hours before replying. That’ll show him.

8. You delete all the drafts you have saved and instead spend five minutes thinking of the most impersonal, yet still slightly witty text you can muster, which is actually really hard for you because you’ve totally been an open book up until this point (idiot). “Hey.” You use a dash instead of an exclamation point. A period would be too unenthusiastic; an exclamation point would be overkill. “Hey – Glad to hear ur kicking ass & taking names this morning. My days been good so far. I got a lot done too. Maybs hang out tonight?” No reply.

9. Finally, around 10pm, he texts you. “Whew! What a busy day. Don’t think I can make it tonight. I still have some assignments I gotta work on and I’m pretty beat. Rap mañana. Hope you sleep well : )” Even though its 10 p.m. and a little too late to go out, you totally would’ve let him come over and sleep with you, if only he had made even the slightest suggestion. Feeling completely rejected, you send him the shortest message to date, hoping he’ll get your point. “K. You too.”

10. Sad.

-Haley Johnson