I’m nearing the time when I’ll have to stop dilly-dallying with jobs and apply for one in the field I’ve actually chosen—teaching science. Unlike most teachers, however, I’ve gone and created an undesirable representation of myself on Google. My cover letters will have to look a little different.
Dear high-paying school district,
As a young, inexperienced teacher, I may seem unqualified for your position of “Biology Teacher,” but I assure you I have a lot to offer. If you do a quick search on Google, which I know you will, you’ll see that I’ve got a hoity-toity degree and an impressive list of volunteer activities. I also have an extensive collection of marathon race times, and I was once crowned “Queen” of a third-tier suburb.
Please direct your attention to my graduate papers on progressivism or my undergraduate thesis on the pig immune response and ignore any links that mention “The Tangential.”
That lady on Facebook from Butte, North Dakota is not me. (And you should probably know that I laugh when I write, “Butte, North Dakota.”) That other woman with “Nickelback” listed as her favorite music isn’t me, either.
The blog about the annoying boyfriend is mine, and so are those interviews about it. I made sure I didn’t write anything too racy, though it does mention farts every once in awhile. And maybe breasts, but don’t even pretend that boobs aren’t funny. (Sorry.)
I don’t want to admit it, but those Rubik’s cubing records are mine, too. At one point in my life, I sacrificed sleep to memorize algorithms and recognize patterns. That’s dedication. Do you like dedicated teachers? I bet you do.
To clear up any other areas of concern, there is, to my knowledge, only one video of me on YouTube; I’m not a mother, I’m not over 50, and I don’t speak Dutch. I can also explain that picture of me in a tree wearing a bear costume.
I promise I’ll be a great addition to your staff. I won’t use my prep hour for blogging or social networking, but I will eat two lunches on Italian dunker day.
Sincerely,
Heidi “Hire Me” Schatz
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