Insecure Artsy People: These people always have writers block, or whatever their medium’s equivalent of that is. They want to create something, but they are just so sure that no one will like it that instead they end up sitting and watching The Cosby Show for four hours. When they actually do produce something, it’s brilliant.
Celebrity examples: Panda Bear, J.D. Salinger, John Kennedy Toole
Rude Artsy People: Hey, it’s the writer of that award-winning screenplay! He’s on Conan. Oh, and he’s uh … picking his nose. Or his nose is bleeding because he just snorted coke off his finger? HE’S TAKING OFF HIS SHIRT.
Celebrity examples: Quentin Tarantino, Tracy Morgan
Lame Girls Who Make Crafts: These girls like to be artsy within the societally accepted channels for their gender. They specialize in bubble letters, creative use of taffeta, scrapbooking, candle-making and caramel wrapping.
Celebrity examples: Gwyneth Paltrow, chicks on the morning news, talking about table centerpieces
Political Artsy People: Art about the human condition is not enough for these people. They need to raise awareness of their cause of choice, be it the unwelcome presence of McDonalds in Japan or the impending endangerment of a kind of bird no one knew even existed.
Celebrity examples: The Arcade Fire, Green Day, Bono
High-Culture Snobs: These people love classical arts, and only create within those bounds. They’ll spend their mornings drinking earl grey and writing sonnets about birds, spindles and the four humors and their evenings practicing Chopin on the piano. They have never watched Jersey Shore and pretend they don’t even know what it is.
Celebrity examples: These people don’t get famous anymore because they’re not doing anything interesting or new.
Artsy People Who are Talented but Tragically Uncool: Oh wow, that painting of a girl’s face crying one tragic tear has so many funky colors! And it really looks like the stock photo you based it on! It’s uh … emotional. Oh, you also drew a picture of a tornado and a sad bird? Wow, you’re good at cross-hatching. Very, uh … real-looking.
Celebrity examples: These people also don’t get famous.
Rich People: Most rich people find a way to be artsy because they figure that it will help them seem interesting, and they have the resources to do things poor artsy people only dream of. They can simply hire people to create a shoe design company in their name, or buy a really expensive camera and hire someone to make an expensive portfolio on which they can display their photography from nights out in expensive clubs.
Celebrity examples: The Olsen Twins, all the chicks from “The Hills”
Insane People: This person has been up for 3 days straight working on a rock opera that’s lyrics are in binary code, with a rhythm based on the heart rate of a panda bear. When it’s done, they just might run for mayor.
Celebrity examples: Freud, Van Gogh, Charlie Sheen
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