I’m sure you have seen this post idea before or at the very least you have played “pull out the weirdest thing in your purse right now” as a bar game with your girlfriends. (Side note: Do not try to play that game with my friend Basia. You will not win.) You know what it always makes me think? It makes me think I am the only one with garbage in my purse. How do more people not have just tons of little bits of garbage in their bags? Where are they putting it? A trash can? A water fountain? What do you do with your gum when you sit down at a restaurant that only has cloth napkins? Hmmm?
Anyway, I dumped my bag out today and was surprised to find the contents seemed to have more in common with a person I would identify as a REAL LADY than I had previously imagined. (I had previously imagined the contents would identify me as a paranoid but smart-mouthed runaway or maybe a vaudevillian train-hopper.)
A. Restaurants don’t tend to have iced tea on hand until it is actually warm outside and unfortunately END OF MARCH is not a secure enough time to offer that kind of guarantee in Minnesota. I really like iced tea. I got these little individual packet things on clearance and have yet to try them out. Lady points = High. If there is one thing ladies like, it’s iced tea. Vaudevillian train-hopper points= Low. They takes what they can gets, and mostly what they gets is grain alcohol and chicory.
B. Gift box from Patina full of pairs of earrings I recently cleaned in a silver polishing binge I started to help me avoid doing my taxes. That sentence makes me sound like a troubled old millionaire. Lady points = High. If your mom/mother-in-law/grandmother/aunt has lived/now lives/has ever visited Highland Park, there is no doubt she has been to a Patina and bought you some whimsical placemats you never used. She probably referred to them as “darling.” Vaudevillian train-hopper points= Medium. The jewelry inside is all old and some of it is made from teeth.
C. Bus pass. Don’t need to say much more. Especially if you are a frequent patron of Metro Transit. Lady points = Super low. Vaudevillian train-hopper points= Quite high. I mean I am literally hopping from train to train with this thing. Or at least, on and off one train.
D. Most recent issue of Bon Apetit. You can calculate that one for yourselves.
E. A single dollar. This is all the cash I have and I begged it off my boyfriend. VTH = To the max.
F. Bag of assorted miniature beauty items including cuticle butter, solid perfume, blotting tissues, and liquid blush made from crushed rose petals. Well this apparently makes me very much a lady and also apparently one that lives in a different century.
G. Vegetarian Suppers Cookbook. See D.
H. My first piece of errant garbage! Oh you are a biodegradable wrapper from a biodegradable spoon. You are borderline trash-y. You are Kaley Cuoco.
I. Extremely old timey cell phone and various plugs and chargers. What can I say? Train hoppers are always on the go. Lady points = Low. I almost never return calls. There’s an actual wooden token somewhere in there and a movie stub. I’d say it’s high on the VTH scale. “A real wooden nickel??”
J., K., & L. Headbands, tissues, disposable contacts, smokes. All things you need to survive a boxcar kind of life.
M. A Book Club book by a major Lady author. Lady points = Fer sher.
N. Applies to both. It is kind of funny that I am carrying around an entire box. I’m kind of repping my brandz here.
O. Mah wallet. It’s pretty banged up and it has a Color Me Mine gift card in it from like 5 years ago.
P. A single rubber vulcan ear. I think I’ll have to chalk that one up to VTH.
Q. Make up case. It pretty much only has highlighter, a brow brush, and tons of face putty in it so I will have to go train hopper again. DAMN!
R. Pair of shoes. (My bag is quite big and there is still snow here.) These have ribbons for laces. I will have to give the points to Lady things.
So in sum? The Vaudevillian train hopper part of me wins, I guess. At least I can audition for the remake of the very weird Say Say Say video.
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