Pop superstar Rihanna is currently turning heads on the cover of Vogue, but we at the Tangential wonder what everybody’s favorite supermodel-turned-Harvard Business student would have to say about the sexy shots. The incredibly dramatic judging panel that you never got to see follows.

Rihanna dahhling, you look KUR-AZY here, love. And I don’t mean crazy in a  “mail you a box of Barbie heads” kinda way, I mean you look crazy like you want to take me to Ibiza and eat sushi off my stomach. There’s a clear distinction. Do you understand? I love that you’re not afraid to get your hair all up in that sand. You’re so elemental here. I want to wear you like Bare Minerals.

RiRi, you’re like a fierce mama elephant marching along the beach, but with attitude, you know? Your arms are so luxurious and extended here, I just want to hang buckets of water from both sides of them and listen to you plip plop down the cobblestone street. The sunlight is bathing you and it’s saying “GURL! Why you trynna steal my shine?” OWN IT.

Miss Fenty, you know what I really love about this? That you’re not afraid to make yourself ugly. You’re like a vampire with your fangs out and you’re sucking my blood and I’m SCREAMING, Rihanna. “NO NO, not my neck, girl! Not my neck GURGH GURGH AHHHH!” But I’m loving it. You’re making it beautiful and sexy but not like those hoochie girls in the videos with their bootys out like “HEEEEEY!” I’m not Team Edward or Team Jacob. I’m Team Rihanna. Because you turned it OUT.

You know who you remind me of? Chynna Phillips. Ya’ll remember Wilson Phillips? Excuse me, I’m going to sing a little bit of that “Hooooold On For One More Day” song right now. Man, that was a trip. You took Chynna’s hairstyle and Carnie Wilson’s hair color but you made it fashion.

–Marcus Michalik is smizing so hard right now