Most Annoying TV Characters EVER
Annie Camden from 7th Heaven: It’s really hard to pick a least favorite character from 7th Heaven. Between Lucy’s annoying bangs/inexplicably hot fireman husband and the awful attempt at precociousness that is the twins, there’s a lot of shittiness to choose from. But the Camden matriarch, Annie, is by far the most annoying. Harumphing and cocking her head disappointedly to the side are her signature moves, with the occasional venture out of the house to patronize her Muslim neighbors. Hey Ms. Busybody, why don’t you quit trying to convince your French foreign exchange student to give up smoking and get yourself a job? Otherwise you might lose your hottie husband, Rev Camden.
Screech from Saved by the Bell: This guy looks like a really skinny penis, complete with a fro that behaves like a gnarly tuft of pubes. But that’s not what makes him annoying; that actually makes him a bit endearing. He’s annoying because his character is purposefully cloying, sad, and dumb. His role on Saved by the Bell is to act as the major disappointment, the clown we can laugh at. And he takes the laughter very well, most of the time. Unfortunately, there are occasions when Screech gets a sad, and this is when he’s most punchable. Sometimes ya just wanna fuck the little shit up, probably because he’s a horrible actor and his sadness isn’t believable. He most definitely deserves to be shoved in a locker.
Will Schuester from Glee: If memory serves me right, this guy actually suggested that U Can’t Touch This was an undeniable classic. I guess somebody out there was really hoping for a Color Me Badd reunion and decided to make that unfulfilled dream into a walking, talking douche nozzle of a male lead. Will’s the kind of guy that thinks being cool and relatable to teens means sitting on a chair backwards with his arms leaning on the back rest. That means he’s going to eventually rap for you and he’s probably going to describe it as “funky.”
Nicky from Pepper Ann: Her ears, sticking out of her thin blonde hair, are what hopelessness looks like.
Caillou from Caillou: Is this kid supposed to have cancer or something? Look, we’ve all shown that we’re capable of loving inexplicably bald children with Charlie Brown, but Caillou just takes Chuck’s predilection for whining and forgets the existential whimsy. Caillou’s usually afraid of stuff and you can normally find him cowering behind his mother’s legs and yelling “DADDY!!” Eventually he learns that the world is full of wonder and delight but at this point it’s just like, “Get the hell on with it already. You named your cat Gilbert.”
Elmo: Fucking Christ. That voice. When are they going to make a muppet gun and blow his soft, child-friendly brains out? I know a garbage can that could serve as the perfect receptacle for his innards (Sorry, Oscar).
Jan Brady: You either want to devirginize her or stick an electronic device into her bath, and unfortunately there isn’t much of an in-between. Here are her main negative traits: jealousy, freckles, glasses, and the inability to score a boyfriend. She’s basically Hitler. But, as stated, some would still fuck her, on account of the fact that she has a ladypart.
Dorothy Ann from Magic School Bus: If that bitch says, “According to my research” one more time, I’m gonna smash a fish tank over her head. Research that, ho!
Nate Fisher from Six Feet Under: Prodigal sons always have a chip on their shoulders, but do all of them feel the need to make “fuck” and its many variants literally every other word out of their mouths? Everything is always “fucking beautiful” or a “fucking disaster” with this guy. A lot of Nate’s big life observations are the type of things you could find etched into garden stones on sale at Bibelot, so you get the sense the writers are just tossing in the profanity for edge. But Nate is edgeless; he’s a spineless and eternally unhappy midlife crisis come to life who thinks every human being he encounters is a roadblock to his own personal fulfillment. I don’t remember if he surfed or not, but it would be surprising if there wasn’t an episode that ended with Nate drifting out into the ocean so he could just finally be at one with his own fucking thoughts.
Carrie Bradshaw (alternately, ALL characters from SATC): Just wonder things to yourself! Don’t wonder to all of New York City. That’s what wonderment is all about – it’s just a musing! (No, Carrie not “amusing” don’t you even get all GD punny on me. No self-respecting man would give you a knowing smile for making a joke about napping/Napa.) You were terrible to Aidan. Twice. Grab yourself a little hat, purse your lips while drinking your martini ALONE, wrap a belt around your bare waist, clutch your man-sized clavicle, giggle at your own cleverness, and get outta here.
B1 and B2 from Bananas in Pajamas: If bananas were cognizant beings with lawyers, they would sue over this portrayal. Between banging their heads together and saying, “Are you thinking what I’m thinking B1?” and failing to solve endless mysteries, they give the impression that potassium makes you idiotic. Even worse, they make Americans look bad in front of their British bear friends.
Joey Potter from Dawson’s Creek: You guys – I do a really good impression of Joey. It goes like this:
Climb up ladder. Half-smile. Slump to look “shy.” Say everyone’s name all the time like you are a salesperson trying to close a deal. Half-smile. Tuck hair behind ear. Downplay your talents. Demonstrate talents. Shake head while tucking hair behind ear. Climb down ladder. There are few things more annoying than the pretty girl who acts/dresses/pretends like she isn’t. But at least one not annoying thing that I have to give Joey props for doing was choosing Pacey over Dawson.
Susan Delfino (née Mayer) from Desperate Housewives: In the first season, Susan got locked out of the house without clothes on. She fell in a neighbor’s bushes and sheepishly waved at them. In the latest season, she ended up on “Sexy Lingerie Housework” web cam show and somehow survived falling 2-3 stories when she attempted to pull down a banner advertising her “work.” What the hell is wrong with this woman? Look, I get that these women are supposed to be at the end of their ropes, but this trick literally can’t even stand on her own two feet most of the time. The music gets really tinkly when Susan’s on screen which just means she’s going to feed her wedding ring that’s baked into a casserole to some uppity neighbor or else set fire to her own closet somehow. Then she’ll shrug her shoulders all the way up to her stretched out face and even her own elementary school-aged son will roll his eyes at her.
Uncle Joey from Full House: Did uncle Joey just exist to make Danny Tanner look less vanilla? Yes, it’s hard to compete with the raw sex appeal of John Stamos singing “My Sharona,” but it takes a lot more than an ultra dopey uncle whose only schtick is giving puppets silly voices to make Bob Saget look hot. Cut. It. Out.