So you really blow. You’re feeling like no matter what you do everyone hates you because you accidentally “sexually molest people” or you “smell like cat shit” or you “give off an aura of creepiness.” That’s real tough. I’ve been there maybe. But you don’t have to suck at everything. There’s a real possibility that you could suck significantly less if you just started drinking something called alcohol.

Never heard of it? Strange, because alcohol has always been one of the best and most well-known ways a person can be cool and not suck at everything. Here’s an example: you go to a party full of hot people you met on the Internet. Everyone is super IRL and just standing around bored, not really knowing what to do. No one is talking, and certainly no one is having fornication. People seem scared or something. One man has noticeably wet himself.

So how do you, a normal sober person, turn this square-fest into something that looks more round and cool like a hot, hot breast? Liquor. Straight liquor. Here’s what will happen if you take liquor:

-fornication
-belly laffs
-good times
-“the blurry spins”
-you’ll say what you think
-you might get something pregnant

It’s obvious that the benefits outweigh the risks, which are not listed here. So remember, next time you’re feeling like your greatest trait is your full head of hair or your amazing personality, just remember how much more sparkly your hair will appear when you’re drinking, and how much less your actions will reflect your “morals” when you’re drunk. Let the wind take you away, and by “wind” I mean “shots.” Let shots make you into the person you’re not brave enough to be on your own.

– Jason Zabel only drinks after 5 p.m., unless there is a special on before 5 p.m.